http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/
REMORSEFUL MOM SEEKS HELP ENDING HER HISTORY OF VIOLENCE
DEAR ABBY: Last week I hit my husband. My daughter saw me do it. My parents were violent when they were drunk, and I swore I would never do that, but it happened.
Abby, can my children forget my mistakes, or are they doomed to keep repeating this violence from generation to generation? Can it stop here if I get proper help? How do I prevent my children from following in my -- and my parents' -- footsteps in this regard? -- SORRY MOM IN CANADA
DEAR SORRY MOM: Your children are not "doomed." They can learn better ways to manage their anger, and so can you. Tell your daughter you were wrong to hit her father, and you regret it. Explain that you are going to see a counselor and learn more appropriate ways to deal with your anger and frustration, and that you'll share what you learn with her and your other children.
Make an appointment with a therapist as soon as possible, and locate the nearest chapter of Adult Children of Alcoholics. (They are in your phone book.) ACA is a 12-step group of people who grew up much as you did. They can help you understand the dynamics of your behavior and assist you in overcoming your learned reaction to problems.
If there's no listing in your telephone directory, write: Adult Children of Alcoholics World Services Organization, P.O. Box 3216, Torrance, CA 90510 for the location of the nearest chapter. You may also go to its Web site: www.adultchildren.org.
:roll: ......right, there is NO DV shelther for the husband to call, NO recomendation for him to leave a abusive relationship.....counseling for her.
I think it would be interesting to wait for about a year or so and write in the exact same question with the genders reversed and see what kind of advice is given.
Right. And no moralizing about "violence is wrong" and "never the answer" etc etc. No concern for the safety of husband or children. She just needs counseling. How many times have we heard that said to men from the bully pulpit of advice columns?
Hey Abby, ask any DV "specialist" and they will tell you that Duluth says counseling isn't the answer. Ya gotta drill it into their heads over and over that they are the problem and NO EXCUSES, no fair bringing up past abuse, no fair talking about your own childhood traumas, no fair talking about the give and take in relationships. Sign here ................ the statement that says this is all your fault and you were abusive to your husband and totally responsible for his victimhood. Sign it or you will go to jail. :twisted:
How come she got counseling? I want counseling -_-
DEAR ABBY: Should I use a golf club or a baseball bat when hitting my husband. I like my golf clubs.- IN A DILEMA IN DALLAS.
DEAR DILEMA - Since he's a man he cannot be hurt through physical injury and so what if he his, he can take it. So any weapon you use is acceptable. Perhaps the frying pan you use to cook his meals in would be better. Its a good melee weapon with a +2 to hit due to its large size. But I'm with you. Why ruin good golf clubs. Those titanium ones are expensive and his hard head might bend the shaft. Plus, as we ladies all know, getting blood out of anything is hard. Baseball bats are cheap and they make a nice loud noise when you hit the right spots. Also, you might want to seek counseling for the trauma he has put you through that forces you to hit him with a bat or golf club. You must be suffering so much. Plus contact the police and get him tossed out of your home. He MUST have done something wrong cause why else would you hit him?
What a joke. We should write in and set her straight.
I have seen her on this topic a few times before and she actually would tell a man the same thing from what I have seen. She looks at the individual's regret and wish to get help as well as it being an unusual event so she suggested counseling. I have seen her do the same for a woman that wrote in about her husband that hit her a few years back and was shocked/impressed at her answer.
I would suggest that we all write her about the topic and point out she missed a chance at also bringing much needed attention to abused men and turn this case in to a positive for us. Sometimes we have to use the carrot and sugar instead of our mallet. :)
DEAR ABBY: Last week I hit my husband. My daughter saw me do it. My parents were violent when they were drunk, and I swore I would never do that, but it happened.
So, she's a victim because she copied her parents? She couldn't help herself?
Notice she has no remorse or concern about how her husband might feel. My guess is he used the kids to point out the harm she did, which she might not otherwise see if it just involved him.
Pfft.
Should write in a letter to Abby from the husband's point of view.
Dear Abby,
My wife gets drunk and beats me in front of the children...
...filed a PPO this morning and I'm waiting for the cops to come to throw her in the clink!
...have an appointment this afternoon with a lawyer to file for separation and custody.
...Lawyer has advised me to garnishee wife's minimum wage part-time job for child support.
...the wife will have to live on the street, because its in the best interest of the children for them to be shielded from her abusive behaviour.
...Wifey says she's sorry and that she feels bad...would be willing to give wife a second chance if she would complete Duluth style counselling for her behaviour...
...there is no agency or DV Shelter that offers Duluth Model counselling for women.
Abby, what should I do?
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
YES!
I often post on the Dear Abby board on Yahoo, under this username and another, and I will totally agree with you all that Abby dropped the ball on this one, big time.
I was surprised she didn't ask the letter writer to order her anger management booklet. :roll:
I'm confused - Does she apply a double standard? Honest question.
Steven
I'm confused - Does she apply a double standard? Honest question.
I believe not here, but if a man were to contact her with the same admission she'd probably save him the trouble of picking up the phone and would call 911 on him. :lol:
I'm confused - Does she apply a double standard? Honest question.
I believe not here, but if a man were to contact her with the same admission she'd probably save him the trouble of picking up the phone and would call 911 on him. :lol:
Sorry but I have read her a few times when it was reverse or when men wrote in about violent spouses and she seemed to be pretty balanced on he issue. In this case it seems she was looking at how often it happens and that the person wanted help so gave advise that was appropriate in this case.
But as I pointed out earlier, she missed a great chance to address the issue of violent female spouses.
Notice she has no remorse or concern about how her husband might feel. My guess is he used the kids to point out the harm she did, which she might not otherwise see if it just involved him.
The only remorse she is gonna feel, is if her husband get tired of putting up with her Shi# and smacks her. then she will write Abbey remoresfull about getting married to an asshole that is just like her violent parents were. Damn and she was working on her violent streak....Whats a woman to do??
How is she going to learn to stop hitting her hubby if he's an ass and wont put up with it anymore?
Stally
PS Abbey recommeds that she take the kids post haste to the nearest shelter (for their safty), and get a restraining order....and comtemplate divorce proceedings.