Hello everyone. I haven't checked this forum for several months. I see that several more men have responded with comments. I appreciate it very much along with the private emails that some of you have sent.
Presently, my wife and I are still together. There have not been any further violent outbursts since I threatened to have her arrested. I spelled out in writing that throwing anything, no matter what size, and no matter what direction it goes, is considered to be a form of spousal abuse because the intent is to intimidate, coerce, and create fear in the mind of the spouse.
I was taking a big risk by confronting her in this manner. It's against conventional wisdom. I did it at a pre-arranged time, after my daughter was asleep. I also used a little bit of psychology by speaking to her from a submissive position. I had her sit in a chair and I sat on the carpet looking up at her. She seems to feel less threatened when I speak to her from below. (When standing I am much taller than her which I suppose can put her on the defensive.) I predicted one of three things might happen
1) She would become enraged and become verbally and physically violent.
2) She would say nothing, but secretly start planning for her departure, or
3) She would recognize the authority of the domestic violence advocacy literature and be forced to change her behavior or risk being taking away in handcuffs.
I think in my case there was still some rationality and goodness somewhere deep inside her and I forced it to the surface. She chose number 3. I drew a legal line in the sand and dared her to cross it. This time, she caved.
There are still some issues with her that are troubling, but none that would cause me to give up all hope. I will always have to be vigilant. If I ever again feel that myself or especially my daughter was in danger of being hit by a flying object. I must do the right thing and leave her, with my daughter in tow. I'm still praying that it won't come to that.
you shudda put option # 4
she will call police and accuse you of controlling her and abuse
be carefull calling the cops-you may be the one arrested-they will believe her and your words mean nothing-remember you are the one with the penis
I am aware of the primary aggressor laws, where even if the man was the victim, the man will be assumed to be the aggressor and end up being the one arrested. As far as I can tell, my wife has no knowlege of this concept and therefore, has believed that my threat of arresting her is credible. I know this because her behavior of throwing things has stopped. My wife doesn't change any behavior unless she believes there is going to be a direct, personal, consequence. The reality is, it's a bluff on my part. The next time she throws something at me, my only real choice will be to leave, with my daughter. Calling the police would always be risky. I might be the one they arrest and I'm not goiong to chance being separated from my daughter since I'm her best protection.
I am going to attempt to convey what I mean here... Of course, it will most likely come off poorly written, but hopefully you'll get the gist of what I am trying to say and forgive my poor skills at this time due to lack of sleep and time.....
You need to set a REALISTIC plan in place. Hopefully, never needing to set in motion, but none-the-less, you need to start thinking defensively. Specifically, if you "just leave, taking your daughter"..... you could be setting yourself up for charges of kidnapping or some other such BS charge... it happens more often than not, so that to me is NOT a great plan... or at least not a complete plan.
I agree that it is what you should do instead of calling the police, but you need to have a place to go that will back up your claims. That is why shelters for men are a high priority in many MRA's minds. I am almost certain that there is no shelter for men or other place for you where you are located. But if by some act of god, there is such a place, research it first before considering it an option as part of your plan. For many (what few that claim to support men) are not what they claim.
Another possibility is to contact a lawyer - Have incidents documented (factual only) to support your charges - If not a lawyer, then with someone impartial that can corroborate. If you have nothing, no factual proof, you will NOT be believed. Sorry, it's fact. The system will eventually harm your child in the process of destroying you. Fact. Even with proof, you could still be placed under a microscope. So be prepared for that as well.
A really great resource and someone I highly recommend is John Dias. He is a member here I believe.
His site is: http://dontmakehermad.com/ (http://dontmakehermad.com/).
For example, here is a section on his site that identifies the arresting policies for each US state
And here is his contact page.
He has a wealth of current and solid information on how one can protect themselves with video/audio as well as a lot of great information on how the system will vilify you if you do not protect yourself, as well as your child. I am almost positive that he will be able to give you even more insight and even some ideas as to how to document incidents. More so than I, I am sure.
Personally, I think that this, along with some documented fact - sans emotional "I believe.....this and that stuff" given to a trusted person such as a lawyer is a start. But documented incidents on video or audio, will go along way to proving your case and protecting you and your child's right to fair treatment.
Lastly, I know I come across as if your marriage is over. I don't know enough to make that assessment. But based upon the many men that I do help, mostly Vets, I do know how it works... at least here in NH (USA). The signs are there, sorry to say. In more cases than not, it is just a matter of time. Furthermore, a person that changes their antics like flicking a light on or off based upon threats of police, almost always fall back - eventually. Eventually, these threats mean nothing to the abuser. Especially since you yourself have stated that it is no more than a bluff......She too can be bluffing, all the while setting things in motion for herself. Remember that.
And remember, you do not know what SHE is up to. You came here looking for guidance. It is a reasonable assumption that she too is seeking some sort of guidance as well. Trust me, if she feels that you have 'one over on her', she will be searching for her 'on up on you'. It is the typical dynamics in volatile situations such as yours. A roll of paper towels today, a glass tomorrow, a steak knife then next day. You just don't know.
Without serious intervention such as the law, medical, or psychologists, nothing really will ever change for the better. Oh sure, there are always the exception, but for the most part, if a volatile person is not seeking professional help, they will never change.
This is what, the third throwing incident? Fourth? How many more times will it take before you begin to take stock and be proactive. How long will it take before the target of her volatile antics is redirected towards your child. What will happen when (not if, when) she sees the relationship you have with your daughter as somehow threatening to her? A horrid though, I know. But something you should be thinking about... seriously thinking about.
Your own sanity, and the protection of your daughter is, as it should be, paramount to all else.
I could go on and on, all based upon the men that I assist at the VA, and the men's shelt.. er prison system. I am not legally certified to do this sort of work professionally BTW. I am just a sounding board, and a friend to these men. Sure, some are in fact full of it. But more often than not, they are in dire need of someone, anyone, to just listen to them... help them understand that the abuse, no matter what it is, is not their fault.
Anyhow, I do hope that you at least contact John Dias. Again, his site is http://dontmakehermad.com/ (http://dontmakehermad.com/). I have taken the liberty of adding a few additional sites that I think may also be of interest - if not actual help to you as well.
http://www.ncfcnh.org/ (NH specific, but still a good resource.)
http://www.themenscenter.com/National/national06.htm (The Men's Center - Fathers section)
http://www.acfc.org/site/PageServer (American Coalition for Fathers and Children)
http://www.menstuff.org/resources/resourcefiles/fathers.html (Men's Stuff - tons & tons of contact information by State (US)
http://fathersupport.com/Resources.html (Another great resource for fathers)
Hope this helps. If you need an ear, many of us are more than will to listen. If you'd like, PM me and we can talk privately as well.
At the minimum, keep us (me) posted on your situation.
My advice to you would be to document, document, document.
Then, start consulting with an MRA-approved lawyer WITHOUT telling your cunt wife.
At all costs, and I mean ALL - get you and your child as far away from her as possible.
She is not going to change/improve/grow up.
It's only a matter of time before she figures out how the game is rigged in her favor.
Once this happens (and it will) she will so completely ruin your life and your child's that life will not seem worth living.
You have to get away from her AND keep your property, wealth, and relationship with your child.
You must treat her as the enemy she is and without mercy.