Here's a whiney feminist. This will make ya puke.
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The unfair backlash against single mothers
September 3, 2003
A misogynous men's movement is fuelling some hurtful myths, writes Trish Bolton.There's a bit of an urban myth doing the rounds, propagated by men who have a penchant for black shirts, women sentimental for the Doris Day-Rock Hudson film genre, and a Federal Government that looks to the past for solutions.
If you were to believe their spin you might think many men are prevented from seeing their children because the Family Court or the children's mothers block the way - but I know differently.
My sons, now young adults, have not seen their father for 15 years. No court order, no attached conditions, just open access, but it was not to be.
Sadly, I am not alone; many women have to stand by as their children try to make sense of their father's rejection.
It is a painful but unacknowledged truth that some men desert their children, both emotionally and financially, and yet we continue to point the finger at the easiest and most vulnerable target, single mothers.
It's time to set the record straight: not all men grieve for the fruit of their loins when a relationship ends.
My children were three and seven when I ended my marriage. Their father kept contact with them for a year or so, but after less than three months, I knew it wouldn't last.
Somehow, in that short time, his love for them just seemed to evaporate.
I would watch helplessly as my little boy sat atop his suitcase waiting for his daddy to arrive, legs kicking back and forth with anticipation, for a father who often did not keep his promise.
And I remember, too, my son's first Father's Day without his father. Clutched in his little hand was a poem, composed at kinder; its words were never read.
Birthdays passed, and never a card, a phone call or a knock on the door. One father wasn't there to celebrate when his youngest son scored a hat-trick or to smile with pride when his older son, now a young man, graduated from university.
Contact with children cannot be enforced, even though the Bettina Arndts of this world seem to think this an option ("After divorce, children need both parents", this page last Friday).
Financial inducements, Arndt says, could be given, to ensure participation of men in their children's lives. Is she kidding? Paying fathers to see their children.
Funding fatherhood is nothing new. Before 1988, when the only means of collecting child support was by court order, only 30 per cent of non-custodial parents paid towards the upkeep of their children.
Fifteen years on, little has changed; some men are still kicking up a stink about their enforced financial contribution. But now these malcontents have formed into powerful lobby groups, receiving plenty of media attention, not to mention lashings of sympathy.
John Howard has a finger on this pulse, keying into and exploiting his heartland's prejudice: legislate for more contact hours, reduce non-custodial payments - it's a sure-fire vote winner.
Meanwhile, the plight of single mothers is ignored. They are left holding the baby, balancing the budget and facing the burden of single parenthood. Many women never recover from the financial loss caused by divorce. At one time my entire income went on child care, even though I often farmed my children out to family and friends, so I could work evenings and weekends.
Later, my new partner (mature women don't have boyfriends, Bettina) shared that care with me. It meant working opposite shifts and one of us working weekends, leaving little time for family life, but the sacrifice was worth it; no longer did I worry about the babysitter who put my children to bed at five in the afternoon, or the neighbour who left them unsupervised with her teenage son to watch R-rated videos.
All this might have been avoided had there been two parents who had as their priority the wellbeing of their children. Marriages may come to grief, but the obligation of parenting remains. Of course, there are mothers who make access difficult for fathers, engaging in destructive and bitter combat, denying the rights of fathers and children. But equally, there are men who just walk away from all responsibility. They cannot be excused just because they are angry, sad, jealous or confused.
There's a backlash against single mothers. It is being fuelled by commentators such as Arndt who never miss an opportunity to portray single mothers as manipulative and self-serving, a men's movement that is deeply misogynous, and a Prime Minister who wants to drag women back into the kitchen where he thinks they belong.
I want better than this for my grandchildren.
Trish Bolton tutors in media and communications at Swinburne and Monash universities.http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2003/09/02/1062403511877.html