My daughter has been assaulted...ex wife's an idiot.

[Assault]

I just received this e-mail from my ex wife. I'm not sure if anyone remembers my story, but basically she did the usual; infidelity, false reports, child abuse accusations, etc. etc.

Anyway, she moved to a city 4 hours away with our daughter (who is 11)  because my ex wife's reputation was getting so bad in our city that she could no longer handle the backlash she was recieving.

So she moved my daughter to a much larger city and into a housing complex. I've been worried about my daughters safety for some time now.....

Well, my fears seem to have come true;

There's been an incident at school and T***** wants you to know about it
....but she wants me to tell you.

A boy at her school that she was going out w/ said something bad about
her and she broke up w/ him. He then started sexually harassing and
intimidating her and 11 of her friends. To her friends he was holding
them down or causing pain and forcing them to say sexually explicit
things in order to be let go. And threatening to smash a brick in their
face if they didn't do/say what he wanted. And blackmailing them to do
what he wanted by threatening to tell the whole school their private
secrets. He also did this w/ t*****.

One of the things she told him,
which I just found out about because of all of this...was back in
kingston, at one of the cyberzone dances, an older boy shoved t****'s
hand down his pants and made her feel his dick. She hadn't told anyone
about that except TJ and two girls here in Kitchener. Last night TJ made a
website about t**** that contained pornographic material and saying
that she engaged in all that. It did not contain her pictures or her
last name but most of her class has probably seen it.
www.freewebs.com/king202 don't know if it's still up. There is a police
investigation, obviously, for cyber-bullying and sexual harassment. I
don't know much more than that at this point. Other than, she'll be
seeing a counselor.

I think she would like to hear from you, maybe if you can send a
separate email letting her know you know what happened. Or you can call
her even. Her cell is ********. Her lunch break is at 1pm. She is
out of school at 3 pm.

Leah

The last part of the e-mail refers to some kid named TJ. I assunme this is one of her old classmates, although I'm not sure.

This pisses me off to no end. My ex wife did nothing to prepare our daughter for moving into a big city. It was all going to be roses and sunbeams. I can't help but associate this incident with our divorce and the subsequent hours and hours my daughter is alone now while my ex wife goes out to the gym, works, goes clubbing with guys, etc. My 17 year old son moved out of my ex wife's house a year ago because she was abusive toward him, so now my daughter has literally NO ONE to turn to for help. It saddens me. It also disgusts me that I was forced out of my childrens lives for a failed social experiment and they will pay the price for the rest of thier lives.

I'm also wondering if my ex wife isn't showing our daughter the path to victimhood that worked so well for her. Although the incident is serious, I don't think my daughter will need to see a counsellor or a shrink of any kind.

And finally, once again Dad will have to come and fix the screw ups that MOM allowed to happen.  This isn't the first time I've received a "clean up" e-mail from my ex wife. It seems men aren't needed in our society....until things start to get "icky".

Sorry for the vent. 

[Men's Rights Activist]

Check your post again.  I think you have a name in there (at least once) that you probably want to delete.

You and your family have my sympathy.  It is a difficult world for kids to grow up in, and the removal of Dads from any part of their lives is "tragic and heart wrenching" for both.

[CaptDMO]

And finally, once again Dad will have to come and fix the screw ups that MOM allowed to happen.  This isn't the first time I've received a "clean up" e-mail from my ex wife. It seems men aren't needed in our society....until things start to get "icky".

Sorry for the vent. 

Bill O'Reilly recently had a rant when he appeared on *sigh* Oprah via. video feed. I thought it was over the top but it held some fairly basic fundamental truths. It concerned fathers assuring their kids they will do whatever it takes to protect them.
Rant away, as loud as you need, as long as you're protecting your kids, when you think they need it,  from ANY severe threat to their future while you're doing it!

I can't help but associate this incident with our divorce and the subsequent hours and hours my daughter is alone now while my ex wife goes out to the gym, works, goes clubbing with guys, etc. My 17 year old son moved out of my ex wife's house a year ago because she was abusive toward him, so now my daughter has literally NO ONE to turn to for help...

I'm also wondering if my ex wife isn't showing our daughter the path to victimhood that worked so well for her....

These things kinda' rang like a bell!

Mmmm...perhaps a reminder of what you do for a living, who you deal with EVERY FREAKIN' DAY on the job, and your proven attitude toward sports, might help drive home your expertise in the area of  sociology gone wild.  'Up to you of course.

Disclaimer: I'm NOT a Father. I DO maintain that- if not for male roll models unimpressed by socialist nanny state dupes- I'd likely know of folks like Assault under other circumstances.   

[TheManOnTheStreet]

PLEASE don't misunderstand my comments Assault....

I would make it a primary goal to get together with your daughter and talk to her.  WITHOUT anyone else around.  Especially her mother.  You KNOW your daughter.  You'll be able to tell if she is embelishing or if this story is even true.  I AM NOT saying that it isn't.  I am merely saying that based upon the previous issues with your ex-wife, and her inability to get things straight (read her perpetual victumhood), she could be prompting your daughter into that arena.

I would NOT act upon this serious accusation/incident until I've had a chance to speak to her personally.  I only say this because as you well know, accusations such as this are made everyday and although many could actually be true, many can and are proven to be false.  The facts and reasons for such accusations are what is first and foremost important. 

If it in fact did happen, then you as her father need (IMO ONLY) to adddress it.  Instill upon her that most men are not that way and that this individual is the exception, not the rule when men are concerned.  Explain to her that it is very important for her to understand this.

If, on the otherhand, you find out that this is in fact false... well, then you need to (again, IMO ONLY) explain the seriousness of such an accusation and how if legals are involved, it can be just as distructive to the falsely accused as to a REAL victim.  I would even go further and explain how an accusation like this also hurts REAL victims of assault by indirectly causing those in the position to help REAL victims to question the validity of their accusations.  Essentially, it's a bad situation all around.

I could go on and on, but I think you know where I am going Assault.  Again, please DO NOT MISUNDERSTAND what I am saying.  I am not implying that this incident didn't happen to your daughter.  I am just trying to play the devils advocate due to what I know (from your previous statements) about your ex-wife's actions.

Lastly, whether it did or did not happen, this is an issue that you do need to address with your daughter.  She needs to know that you, her father, and a male is there for her.  That way if she is being poisoned, she will get a male prospective.  And if it did in fact happen, she still gets a male prospective to ensure that she doesn't process this event as ALL MEN are this way.

Either way, I feel for you and your daughter Assault.  This is a difficult situation to be in, I am sure.

TMOTS

[LSBeene]

Hey bro,

As someone else said, you may want to check your post for your daughter's name.  2nd Para, last word.

Definately talk to your daughter, and ask her, what happened.  In the "twilight zone" of MRAs you have a wife that lied and said you assaulted her, and at the same time you have a beloved daughter who you want to protect and love.  These are not at cross purposes.  Listen to T***** and discern, you work with professional liars every day.

But, in any case, love her, and, I cannot imagine how difficult this is, just be there with her as much as you can.  I promise she'll know you care. 

Remember, 1 of the reasons I am an MRA was that I was one of those kids who was denied my father (for 21 years) ... kids WANT daddy to be there. 

You're her dad, and she needs you bro.  I know you want to hold her and be there ... I know this because my own dad broke down and cried when I told him all the times I wanted to call him and my mother prevented it.  I ached for him.  T***** does too.  I can't imagine how hard this is for you, but you're not alone bro.  Truly you are not.

With kind regards and sincere words,

Steven

[neonsamurai]

I think somebody should go and have a word with this TJ's dad (assuming he's still in the picture).

I know my dad went around to have a word with the parents of one of the kids in my village who was causing trouble and picking fights with the younger kids (myself and my sister included) and the trouble quickly stopped.

But that was a quarter of a decade ago, in the UK and in a relatively quiet village. The boy's dad was an ex paratrooper who didn't like the way his son was behaving (once he'd found out what he'd been up to) and made sure he didn't pick fights with us again. I expect things are different these days.

If I was in your shoes I'd feel pretty bad, just because it's happening 4 hours away. There's nothing worse than knowing a close friend or a loved one is having a hard time and you can't be with them to help out. It's a tough break.

The other guys here are talking sense though, with some good advice and suitable experience to back it up.

[Assault]

Hey bro,

As someone else said, you may want to check your post for your daughter's name.  2nd Para, last word.

Steven

Thanks, I guess I missed it in my anger. 

I appreciate the advice and I agree with you about T*** wanting me to be there. I physically can't but I did call her yesterday to feel her out. I suspect that her mother is blowing this way out of proportion and introducing her to the victimhood mentality. As well, my ex wife gets the added bonus of being "victimized" as well in a new setting where people don't know the truth and won't call her on her bullshit and embarrass her.

I spoke with my daughter and she seems ok with it. I explained that although what happened wasn't a nice thing and that boy was wrong and should be punished appropriately, this isn't a life changing event. I gave her some examples of my own life and my girlfriend gave her some examples from hers as well. I also told her I know many, many people who were groped innapropriately and they simply learned from it, put it behind them and moved on.

I wanted to show her that it wasn't some big huge psycho-drama that requires mental health clinicians, feminist counsellors, etc. The whole victimhood route which I think my ex is taking this.

I asked my daughter what she thought about seeing all these people and she wasn't too happy about it. She was more concerned that all her schoolmates were talking about the incident. I assured her that they will find something else to talk about eventually.

It was a tough line to walk because if her mother wasn't sucha drama queen, I could just be there for my daughter and comfort her and help her move on. But now I have to worry about my daughters psychological well-being, not from the minor assault, but from the aftermath that it has wrought and the feminist social system in Canuckistan.

Thanks again, you're a good friend.

[Assault]

PLEASE don't misunderstand my comments Assault....

I would make it a primary goal to get together with your daughter and talk to her.  WITHOUT anyone else around.  Especially her mother.  You KNOW your daughter.  You'll be able to tell if she is embelishing or if this story is even true.  I AM NOT saying that it isn't.  I am merely saying that based upon the previous issues with your ex-wife, and her inability to get things straight (read her perpetual victumhood), she could be prompting your daughter into that arena.

I would NOT act upon this serious accusation/incident until I've had a chance to speak to her personally.  I only say this because as you well know, accusations such as this are made everyday and although many could actually be true, many can and are proven to be false.  The facts and reasons for such accusations are what is first and foremost important. 

If it in fact did happen, then you as her father need (IMO ONLY) to adddress it.  Instill upon her that most men are that way and that this individual is the exception, not the rule when men are concerned.  Explain to her that it is very important for her to understand this.

If, on the otherhand, you find out that this is in fact false... well, then you need to (again, IMO ONLY) explain the seriousness of such an accusation and how if legals are involved, it can be just as distructive to the falsely accused as to a REAL victim.  I would even go further and explain how an accusation like this also hurts REAL victims of assault by indirectly causing those in the position to help REAL victims to question the validity of their accusations.  Essentially, it's a bad situation all around.

I could go on and on, but I think you know where I am going Assault.  Again, please DO NOT MISUNDERSTAND what I am saying.  I am not implying that this incident didn't happen to your daughter.  I am just trying to play the devils advocate due to what I know (from your previous statements) about your ex-wife's actions.

Lastly, whether it did or did not happen, this is an issue that you do need to address with your daughter.  She needs to know that you, her father, and a male is there for her.  That way if she is being poisoned, she will get a male prospective.  And if it did in fact happen, she still gets a male prospective to ensure that she doesn't process this event as ALL MEN are this way.

Either way, I feel for you and your daughter Assault.  This is a difficult situation to be in, I am sure.

TMOTS

Great post TMOTS. This kind of stuff is one of the reasons you are one of the people I respect most on this board. I had already done most of what you suggested, and no offence taken at ALL, I had already thought about the false accusation angle. I appreciate the directness of your post and the ability to ask the hard questions.

As I had written earlier I spoke with my daughter alone on her phone after school yesterday. Since she didn't seem too worked up about it and hadn't yet started using "buzz words" I got the feeling she was telling the truth.

I think I will call her again tonight and broach the subject of the story being made up. I will not accuse her at all, I think I will just say something like ;

"T*** you know I have always told you the absolute honest truth in everything I do and answered ANY questions you've ever had honestly and treated you like an intelligent adult. I want you to understand that I'm only asking this because I'm not there and I'm getting all second hand information. I'm just a little worried that if maybe what happened was a bit of a story that got out of control and now it can't be stopped since your mother has gotten involved and the police , etc.

If what happened is true T**** and from talking to you yesterday I believe you, but if it was just meant to be a joke or a prank that got out of control, I want you to tell me because this boy will be in a lot of serious trouble and it's not fair if it's not true. I won't be upset or mad, I promise, and I always keep my promises, but I will have to let everyone know if it isn't true. "

I don't want to make her think I don't believe her though, so I have to be careful.

[Assault]

I think somebody should go and have a word with this TJ's dad (assuming he's still in the picture).

I've already thought of that, but I think in todays society it would just make things worse. It's a shame because something like this could be resolved by two good fathers discussing the situation; determining the truth, and then subjecting the guilty party(s) to appropriate punishment.

Now it's a whole big scene with authorities and psycho-analysing pc bullshit. This is nothing a good severe ass kicking wouldn't solve.

[LSBeene]

I wanted to show her that it wasn't some big huge psycho-drama that requires mental health clinicians, feminist counsellors, etc. The whole victimhood route which I think my ex is taking this.

This is an excellent point Assault.  Showing her that not everything needs to be like on Jerry Springer or some "major crisis" is one of the things I think fathers bring to child rearing.  SOME women live for drama as it churns their emotional pitt, but is unhealthy.

Talking about that, bringing it out into the open, and countering it while she is still mentally developing is a very healthy thing bro.

I asked my daughter what she thought about seeing all these people and she wasn't too happy about it. She was more concerned that all her schoolmates were talking about the incident. I assured her that they will find something else to talk about eventually.

Assault I think you should (IMO ONLY) definately re-emphasize that point, as girls her age are VERY conscious (sp?) of what others are saying about them.  But your initial words were important.  (slap on the back and hat tip on that one!)   

Code: [Select]

I've already thought of that, but I think in todays society it would just make things worse. It's a shame because something like this could be resolved by two good fathers discussing the situation; determining the truth, and then subjecting the guilty party(s) to appropriate punishment.

Definately true, in the old days two fathers (or parents) would just talk over the backyard fence and then it would be settled.  Now-a-days everyone wants to bring in the gov't/police even when not needed.  Now, granted in this case that may be neccessary as this kid (T.J.) seems to be an up-and-coming sexual  predator.  He may not be, but he's got some bad programming about how to treat women.

Keep us updated bro,

Steven

[LSBeene]

Assault,

It may seem weird, or not, but when I told you about being falsely accused, you believed me.  When you told us about your story with your ex, it was given credit (it was completely credible, followed a divorce pattern, and even your  WARDEN called B.S.) .... bud, I know ... plz trust me I KNOW .... lol, it's this "syndrome" we MRAs have, where we have to explain and prove ourselves ....

Let that slide and be a father, I am not a father ,  I can TRY, to understand, but ultimately, I cannot.  As a son who wanted his dad, I can tell you - separate the two - "husband falsely accused" and "father who loves".

Maybe I sound like a geek, but looking back, I wanted my dad so badly ... I remember when I was 16. crying to a GF, (she could NOT understand why it bothered me so much) why didn't dad call me.

He did.  He sent cards, he called.  He was told I did not want to hear from him.  I was told he did not call or send letters or presents (he did). 

Please listen to me Assault, one day, when we reunited, he came to my door.  He said (basically) "Look, we spend 1-2 hours a week together.  It's obvious we both want more.  I'll match your pay, work with me (electrician - holy heck was I bad at this, lol) and we can get to know each other. "

Well, after a few weeks, as the layers got peeled, I asked him: "Dad, why didn't you call me, why didn't you try to reach me?"  He was so obviously distressed.  He, in detail, told me the days and occasions, he had tried to reach out to me.  Letters were sent back, phone calls he was told "Steven does not want to speak to you - you left us", - but I had nothing to do with this, nor were these my wishes.

In that one day, again maybe I am weird, we reconciled.  My father is like me, he is a great story teller, what he tells you in May, is what he, in detail, tells you in October.  His story rang true.

Be that man Assault.  Be the consistant, reliable, and loving "Northen Star" for your daughter.  Admit your mistakes (hey, God knows I have made many of the same, bro) so that your word and works are never able to be touched  Most importantly with T***** make sure you are ALWAYS straighforward.  It can be embarressing, or harsh, and make you feel raw and exposed, but she'll KNOW bro.  One day, and only you can know when (and it's scary to know when as a dad) she'll ask about what happened.

I do not know T*****, but I do know I wanted to know the truth.  Your advantage is that with your wife being a drama queen, she (T*) will want to hear just honest fresh air.  She'll know. 

On my side of it, and I cannot promise you this, that night, my dad and I went home, and planned a coordinated conversation - the discussion went quite badly for mom.  Do  not misunderstand me, I LOVE my mom, a lot and without comments.  That night both men confronted mom and she tried to walk away.  I had many horror stories of what she had done to me, and those truths forced her to stay (extortion or exposure) and we both told her we loved her, but she would never remake history into "momstory" or "herstory".  It was, ultimately, a bad night for mom's self image.

BTW (edited to add) I talked to her tonight - still love her, she's not "evil" - she just wants to re-write our past)

It is something we do not discuss.  But my mother, a POWERFULwoman in political and business circles, who is a leader in New England, avoids this subject.

Also, know this, I tell her she IS loved.  She is.  But, I am the child who was lied to, if she brings up my childhood/father she SHUTS UP and looks away, and I do not humiliate her, but if she tries the "I was the struggling mom" thing, in front of me, or if I hear of it (from her words - gossip), I look at her hard, and if SHE does not correct the lie .... I do.

Plz understand, I love her.  She is my mom.  When I was MOB'ing, and while I was married, she was fair, logical, and ... well, motherly.  I separate the two.

Maybe you guys think I'm weird (ok, lol, I am, shut up  , lol).  Recently a mission came up doing convoys in Iraq ... in Baghdad.  I volunteered.  So many of our guys volunteered and I volunteered late, I did not make the list (sigh). 

I mentioned this because my mom FREAKED that I did this.  I love her, but she DID steal 2 decades with me to be with my dad.  I Love her, but I ACHED for the love of my dad.

Assault, my story was long, but in the same way, I promise you, T***** misses you.

Call her, just love your "peanut", call her your private name, a teen (almost pre-teen) wants ANYONE to listen to her.  Be that guy.  DO NOT be a "yes" man, and I can guess you're a smart dude, and know this. Again, I am not a dad.  In some ways I am a bit jealous.  Be strong, be relentless, and call her.  Ya know how a GF loves a random call?  Women (generalization, lol, but positive), and daughters are women,  they love random phone calls - just to say hi, and that you love her.

Ok, I'm a geek, and willing to expose "me" to help some nice guy (that's you Assault!) .... but if I can do that, ... so can you for T*****.   

Does my story, or my advice help in any way ... I sincerely hope so bro.

I hope when this message finds you, it makes you laugh, helps you connect, and is of some use,

Steven

[TheManOnTheStreet]

Good job Assault.  You've got your head on straight.... Forge ahead and be a father.

God bless pal.

TMOTS

[The Biscuit Queen]

You guys make me so proud to know you all and call you friends.

[Assault]

Thanks Steven, you're right as usual. 

[TheManOnTheStreet]

Keep us posted Assault.  I hope it all turns out fine.

TMOTS