Advice?

[zarby]

So, my oldest boy turns 16 in roughly 2 months.

I have talked to him about buying him a car.

He essentially acts like I am incompentent and will probably buy him a crappy car.

Most recently, I call him and tell him a friend found a really cool car. It has a sun roof, leather seats, etc. It is a really cool car -- looks brand new. It is a Nissan Sentra.

He acts real skeptical still assuming that it must be a piece of crap. He says kind of sarcasticallythat "I'll look at it" (like he is doing me a favor by looking at it).

He then says: "I'll get [mom's new boyfriend] to look at it -- he's a mechanic."

That hits me hard. I didn't like it, at all.

It might make sense -- I understand he is a mechanic but still I didn't like it at all.

It is like -- you're incompetent to pick out a good car -- I get mom's boyfriend to check it out.

I also remembered how his mom was so critical of me near the end -- how I couldn't do anything right. I could just hear her telling him or warning him about how I would buy a crappy car and he better have her boyfriend check it out.

I heard no appreciation in his voice just criticism (even though he has never seen the car).  I heard no excitement.

This was suppose to be something good -- father doing something cool for his son. Instead, I end up feeling like shit.

My friend was going to drive the car over to my son's house the next day. I called him and told him "don't bother."

I feel like saying the hell to the whole thing. Why buy him a car at all if there is going to be no appreciation just criticism, insults, etc.

Besides, I cannot win. If the car breaks or something, then it will be established as true that I bought him a crappy car.

You, actually, He should be thrilled to get even a crappy car.

I didn't get my first car that was truly mine until I was several years older (I had access to an old car but it wasn't "mine").

I know if I don't buy him a car he will be pissed and that certainly won't help things.

Anybody have any advice?

[zarby]

Nissan Maxima -- not Sentra.
I think this is a somewhat high end car.

[Virtue]

Don't buy him a car....make him buy his own......help him with every element of the process.....saving money getting a job etc but you don't respect what you don't earn......make him earn it.

[stands2p]

Take this with a grain of salt Zarby, strictly for what it is worth:
A 16 year old boy is going to be like that.  They are often surly and selfish and ungrateful.  He probably knows deep down that he is hurting your feelings with his talk about your ex's boyfriend but it is his way of lashing out at the situation he is in.  He loves both his parents but he winds up feeling disloyal to one of his parents most of the time.

He wants to have a cool car to impress his friends; he doesn't want to be the guy who drives up in the hand-me-down mini-van (just like our nightmare was the old wood panel station wagon.) 

He knows there is only so much money available to buy a car.  I'll bet he wants someone to teach him how to shop for a car and I'll bet he wants it to be you.

Again, for what it's worth: try to stick in there and help the boy get a car.     It's a rite of passage and you and your son both deserve to share the experience.  I read a piece of advice a few years ago that said every man needs a mechanic he can trust.  If you don't already have one, now is a great time to find one.  Let the mech know that you and your son will be bringing in some used cars for a once-over and negotiate a price for each one. 

Teach your boy how to bargain with sellers and tradesmen to get a better price, that is a valuable skill.  Hopefully, your son will see that you have some great 'Dad Wisdom' to teach him.

Good luck with this Zarby.

P.S.  And I agree that the boy should earn some of the money himself.  You don't appreciate things that are given to you.

[Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum]

My Son turned 16 last fall.  He didn't ask me for a car, but my ex contacted a couple of my relatives and demanded that I purchase a vehicle for him.  When that didn't work, she contacted the same relatives and tried to have them 'shame' me in to buying the car.  Needless to say, she was furious (and my relative couldn't understand) why I didn't do it.  I told them that if my son contacts me directly and asks nicely, he would probably get the car...instead nothing except she still contact my relatives telling everyone that this is yet another example that I don't care about my son....   

[zarby]

Yeah, what about her? Does she care?

I have no reason to believe that she doesn't also have the ability to buy him a car.

What about her relatives.

She is probably hurting her son's case more than helping.

I know I would buy a car just like you for my son, but I wouldn't do it for his mother.

[dr e]

I agree with Stands2p that most 16 year olds are thinking primarily from their own perspectrive and I would add that they also usually think that the old man is basically an idiot.  The theorist Robert Moore who has written some excellent material on the mature masculine and what it is, says that at about that age the "goal of the adolescent boy is to kill the father and the goal of the father is to not retaliate."  He doesn't mean not to set limits or not be up front and brutally honest...he means don't hit back.  One swipe of your sword could potently injure him.   This is what most women I have known don't have a clue about.  Not a clue.  They scream and yell and complain and shame the young men and think they are being great parents.  Sheeesh.  The boy needs to learn on his own within the confines of his father's love and strong hand.  The father needs  to allow him to make his own blunders and love him in the process.

Damn Zarby this isn't really an answer to your question as much as it is a rant on my part.  My apologies.

The bottom line is that as a dad of a 16 yo boy we are often in a no win. No matter what we do we are screwed.  Your problem is to decide what action you can take that would be loving and helpful to your son at this time.   Knowing you as I do my money is on you doing the best thing.   

[zarby]

Thanks.

I think the answer is becoming evident.

I remove myself from the decision making process.

I give him a budget probably conditioned on various things (like doing some "work" and maintaining good grades and not getting in trouble and whatever).

I let him make the decision and if he wants to involve the new boyfriend, fine.

If he makes a mistake, well, then it is a learning experience and besides better him than me.

This has really helped and really shows the merit of this place. Thanks.

[dr e]

Have you considered Carmax?  Give him a limit and let him pick it out.  My experience with them in our area has been excellent.  Good prices, good follow through on any problems.  It would be good for you to do it with him.

[zarby]

No, I am not familiar with Carmax but I will look into it.  Thanks.

I have several uised car dealers who basically depend on me for services so I am pretty well situated in this area.

My experience has been that they do pretty well by me even if arguably they would do bad things by others.

They generally want to be on my good side.

This is one of life lessons -- the value of contacts and relationships.

I know nothing about cars but I know people who do and have relationships with them.

[Thomas]

zarby, take a look at this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bohDv6VAM4s

[zarby]

Wow, how awful.

[TheManOnTheStreet]

I'd have gotten in that car and drove it back to the dealer.  period.  When I bought my daughter her car, she was elated!  It ecomical, safe, and she understood that it was within my budget.  A Ford Focus.  She traves back and forth from Johnson & Wales to NH every weekend and on almost every occasion, she makes a comment that she appreciates that I got her a car that uses so little gas. 

My son on the otherhand.... well lets just say he wanted one of my hotrods instead of a 'girly car'.  I bought him a truck instead.  He can have the hotrods after I die... nto a day before.  :-)

TMOTS

[K9]

I can understand the friction between you and the BF. Take control of the situation; it's your money. There's nothing wrong with having a mech check it out. Make it clear you won't settle for a go / no-go from the BF; you want a complete written report by system, and subsystem:

Fluids
Brakes
Tires
Steering
etc....
the complete works. Great if he's going to do it free, and HE gets the blame if it breaks.