Verbal Abuse and Intimidation (i.e. Throwing Objects) Towards a Husband

Started by Stuntdrvr1, Nov 01, 2007, 02:28 AM

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Dear John,

I feel that I'm one phone call away from being in your shoes.

A brief history:  I've been married 14 years. Through out my entire marriage my wife has done things which at the time I only thought it to be immature behavior.  I was subjected to verbal abuse, idle threats, and her favorite way to get her way was throwing objects toward me. (breaking them when possible.) 

It wasn't untill we had a baby together that I started to be concerned that her angry outbursts were harming not just me, but now and innocent child. I finally did some research and was floored when I found out that most of her behaviors are considered to be forms of spousal abuse.

I knew on one past occasion she changed one specific behavior (slapping me) when someone in a position of "professional standing" (our Marraige Counselor) told her to her face that "her behavior was unacceptable." (she was referring specifically to physical violence.)

I decided to use a similar tactic to confront her on the other behaviors. I printed out information  from a Domestic Violence website.   It listed behaviors that were considered by law to be forms of intimidation and abuse.  I had a talk with her one night, after the baby was asleep, and confronted her with the list.  I emphasized that I had a right under the law not to be subjected to these abuses, and I specifically stated that the next time any object came flying in my direction I had the right to call the police have her arrested.  (I was quite terrified to say such a thing for fear of retaliation.  But, for the sake of keeping my family together, I was willing to take the risk and give her the chance to repent, once she was confronted with the truth about her behavior.)

Afterwards she seemed to change completely. We went for months without any big blowups and we were actually having good, healthy debate using conversation and compromise to settle disputes.

This brings us to present day.  Today I woke up feeling bad and stressed and depressed.  (I have good reason to be. I'm a disabled veteran with chronic pain.  I just switched to percocet because, after 6 years, vicodin wasn't working anymore.)
The first thing I heard from my wife was a statement of two things in our yard that needed fixing.  I told her that I was already feeling bad, and depressed and didn't need to be reminded of all the things I can't do because I'm so much pain all the time.

Well God forbid that a man had a feeling !  She immediately accuses me of being "disrespectful" to her. She said I didn't have a "right" to be angry because. after all, it was not her "intent" to make me angry. Next she throws a roll of paper towells toward me (her new tactic is throwing soft things so she can justify that part of her intimidation routine.) She yells very loudly "you are so wrong! You need to APOLOGIZE !" (and does this in front of my 3 year old.)  Of course I don't apologize, because I believe I have a right to express my feelings. 

Her next form of control is to abandon watching our 3 year old.  She exclaimed that she was too upset to watch our daughter (it's her responsiblity to watch her from sun up till 4pm, then I watch her from 4 till bedtime.  This is about the max I can tolerate with the level of pain in my leg.)   While she's on the phone making an appointment with a counselor, my daughter has a fall right beside her and hits her head and starts crying.  I come from the next room and find my wife, still on the phone with her back to my daughter. She didn't so much as turn around and ask her if she was alright. While I attend to my daughters bumped head , my wife leaves the house to go see the counselor.

Fast forward to that evening.  We try to talk some more.  She again demands an apology.  I said I did apologize when you called on your cell phone in the afternoon. I stated that I'm sorry if you had hurt feelings, however my feelings are still valid and I had every right to express those feelings. At this point I've reached my limit on the insults and lies and I pound my fist on the arm of my chair. (She is standing about 3 feet away) SHE THEN WALKS OVER AND LEANS DOWN SO SHE IS RIGHT IN MY FACE AND SAYS "LET ME GET CLOSER SO YOU CAN HIT ME." 

Now I know what she's been up to all along.  She's been trying to push my buttons through verbal abuse in hopes of provoking me to display aggression.  As soon as I showed any sign of physical anger she swooped in and tried to provoke me into hitting her.   I'm assuming she wanted to do one of two things. 1) Start hitting and slapping me with all her might and then say "it was self defense." or 2) She might have been trying to put me in a situation where she could now start threatening to call the police on me as an additional, more coercive means of control. She may have had other motives unknown to me. Anyway, it doesn't matter. I didn't fall for her provocation, but I did firmly ask her to "GET OUT OF MY FACE"

Right now she's in bed and I'm staying up most of the night looking for support groups and information for men.

John, It was very eerie to read your story and find out your last words before you were wrongly arrested were the same as the words I just said to my wife.  I'm very curious to know if the situations I described sound familiar.  I think I will also post this as a new men's story in hopes of getting some support and feedback form others. 

Am I crazy? Am I alone? Don't I have a right to express my feelings whether they're good or bad?  Someone please write back



I sympathize with what you're going through.  I just contacted you privately, so feel free to get back to me when you're ready.  I'm here to help.

You can reach me here:


She's setting you up mate. Get yourself a good, man-friendly lawyer with a winning track record and start meticulously documenting her abuse. Video and/or audio would be most helpful. For the sake of both you and your daughter you must do unto her before she does unto you. Get ready for the fight of your life. This woman DOES NOT love you and will stop at nothing to destroy you now that she sees you're onto her little game.

For the sake of your daughter, please . . . FIGHT!
Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan: "Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not his own facts."

dr e

Brad - You are far from alone but due to our cultural taboo on men's emotional pain you are indeed isolated.  The sad fact that our media suppresses the acts of violent women doesn't help either.  I am guessing that you will make some good connections with other men here who understand your situation having lived through it.  Glad you found us.

Contact dr e  Lifeboats for the ladies and children, icy waters for the men.  Women have rights and men have responsibilties.


Be very, very careful. In the legal system, you are a second class citizen and do not have the rights of a woman. She can and will make up as much garbage as she can in order to win in court.

Only a sociopathic monster would throw objects at a disabled vet. If you get out of this without either going to jail or being killed in your sleep consider yourself lucky.


Be very, very careful. In the legal system, you are a second class citizen and do not have the rights of a woman. She can and will make up as much garbage as she can in order to win in court.

Only a sociopathic monster would throw objects at a disabled vet. If you get out of this without either going to jail or being killed in your sleep consider yourself lucky.

believe me when i tell you"i know"



Are you still with us?  I would very much like to hear how you are doing.  Hope things are better for you.

The Man On The Street is on the street for a reason.......
It's not illegal to be male.....yet.


Brad, I've been right where you are with my first wife. She got sick of waiting for me to knock her teeth in so she ended up beating me up, we both got arrested but she got the protection order and that was the last time I ever seen my daughter and son. Be assured that she is more then likely going to use your service to the country as the source of your abusive rage and they will of coarse belive her. I'm sorry I can't offer any good advice but there isn't much to be had in the Domestic Violence charges. If she says you did it, you did it. I guess the best I can tell you is to not waste a bunch of money on a lawyer for the DV case should it happen. The best you can really hope for is to get it dropped to disorderly conduct. Any lawyer can pull that off. Spend your big money on a good divorce lawyer.
The Duluth Model is the most massive socially accepted and funded form of blatant ignorance since Nazi Germany


File a Restraining order record at the very least EVERY interaction you have with her.....Video is better....GET A LAWYER NOW

If you don't then statistically speaking you will be thrown in jail.....your child will be taken from you.....and you will be on the hook for half of all you own and half of all you will ever own.
Imagine waking up tomorrow to find
that unbelievably rape is now legal.

You would be freaking out, telling everyone you ran into this is crazy- something needs to be done... now!!! And then every man you told this to just very smugly and condescendingly says...

"Hey... not all men are 'like that.'"


Brad, please keep us updated. She sounds exactly like my ex and I learned the hard way on how to handle it. Feel free to contact me and I will do all I can to help you out with the things I learned the hard way to do and not to do.


You are not alone. A good buddy of mine loss his entire livelihood. His wife was very abusive physically and psychologically.  She would hit him often and when he wanted to leave she would use the kids against him and yell about alimony,  child support,  you name it... one day coming from CT. She started hitting him in the car. He pulled over at an exit, reached for his phone, to call the police when she grabs the seat buckle and began to hit herself with it repeatedly.  She also smashed her face on the dash. The state troopers showed up where they were both arrested. He missed work and now has to go to domestic violence classes. He was kicked out of police academy. His life is ruined because of her. GET OUT DUDE

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