How To Raise A Feminist Son.... (breaks my heart)

Started by Stallywood, Aug 24, 2008, 04:34 PM

previous topic - next topic
Go Down

Stallywood

To me, this is very sad, and does not give me hope for the future. I spose to ask where is the father in all this is a stupid question.  I pray for this kid, and anyothers who are raised by these child abusers (IMO).
Stally

http://community.feministing.com/2008/08/how_to_raise_a_feminist_son.html

How to raise a feminist son

This is something I ponder quite often, as I am currently a student in the "How To Raise a Five Year Old Boy" school. My son is beautiful, smart, and extremely capable. Obviously, this terrifies me. I have spent a lot of time asking myself this very, very important question: How do I teach my son to not abuse his privilege?

To be sure, I recognize the privilege my son received by accident of birth. He was born to two white, middle-class parents. I have a college education, as does my current partner and my son's father. He is an only child, and has four grandparents in his life that absolutely dote on him. There is a never-ending supply of love, learning, and involvement. My son has opportunities that many children are not blessed with. Obviously, I don't think I'm the perfect parent, nor is his environment guaranteed to always work in his favor. I make mistakes, I do stupid things, and I don't spend nearly enough time thinking about how my parenting reflects my feminist beliefs.

However, I do spend a lot of time analyzing the role that early childhood shapes who we become, and especially how parental beliefs can conflict with what society teaches our children. Below are some of my musings - I would love to have a conversation about how we should be raising young boys to actively engage in our world in a feminist manner.

~ We recently purchased a house, and to make the transition easier for him, we allowed my son to pick whatever color he wanted to paint his room. He originally picked pink. (My son adores pink, and spent most of his toddlerhood wearing pink and purple pajamas.) I agonized over the choice. There was a part of me that was overjoyed...my son obviously is confident in what he likes, and doesn't feel the need to conform to what the world tells him about being a BOY. However, I flashed forward to the time when he would invite his male friends over, and they would tease him endlessly about having a "girly" room. The thought of my child being the subject of ridicule is horrifying, as I'm sure any parent can attest to. (Plus, who wants to repaint when he changes his mind in 6 months?!) Ultimately, he chose orange walls and pink trim. I still think about this incident, though, and ponder what it means to try to balance feminist parenting with living in the "real world" where kids can and do get hurt for being different.

~ My son is very sensitive. He cries easily, gets his feelings hurt often, and is generally more attuned to what is going on with people's emotions around him. He has always been kind of my little empath, reacting to the world around him and showing every bit of what he's feeling to anyone who may be paying attention. This causes MANY of the people around him, especially older men, to be very troubled by his shows of emotion. He has been told more times than I can count to "toughen up", "act like a boy", and "don't act like such a baby, girl, (insert insulting feminine word here)." I get very frustrated trying to teach him that it is OK to be that way, no matter what the world is telling him he *should* act like. I am actually very surprised that more of the behavior hasn't been conditioned out of him yet. I hope that reflects my never-ending support in him and how he choses to display himself. I dread the day when all the conditioning he has received about how to "act like a man" starts to take hold, and I see my beautiful son start trying to hide his emotions.

~ I am very careful to correct people (mostly people that I know, although I have done it to strangers) when they ask my son "Oh, do you have a girlfriend?" that I do not presume my son's sexuality, and he may very well end up with a boyfriend, or not want to have a partner at all. This is usually met with eyerolls or stern looks.

~ I am outreach worker for a family planning agency, so my son has spent most of his life being immersed in a very liberal, pro-choice, diverse community. I have many friends of different orientations, ethnicities, backgrounds, and beliefs. I find myself wondering if I selfishly seek out people to be acquaintances so I can provide a diverse group of people for my son to interact with. I'm not sure how to balance my desire for him to grow up surrounded by different perspectives with the knowledge that I cannot use people's lives to set examples for him. It's a difficult line to straddle.

~ I have tried to consciously raise him a non-violent environment. He was not allowed to watch any tv or videos that implied or depicted violence as a younger child. (I cannot believe how many people I know allow their 2 and 3 year olds to watch explicitly violent movies and shows!) I had a no-violent-toys rule until very recently, and I'm still queasy about allowing him to play violently. This article really changed how I viewed the issue: http://www.mothering.com/articles/growing_child/discipline/bang-bang.html I try to explain to him the importance of not playing like we're hurting other people, but it's nearly impossible to control the influence his peers have on his play behavior. This is one of my greatest struggles, and I don't have any easy or actual answers for this dilemma.

I hope other feminist parents raising boys can have some insight or wisdom to depart on this subject. I see a lot of discussion on raising girls in feminist circles, but not a lot on raising boys. Any input is appreciated!


Posted by Annabel644 - August 21, 2008, at 03:29PM | in Motherhood
Gentleman is a man who consciously serves women. I prefer the golden rule.

Behind every great man, is a
parasite.

Women who say men won't commit, usually aren't worth committing to.

dr e

Ol Anabel has fecal-eye-tis when it comes to seeing her son's needs and ways of being.  (Fecal-eye-tis is when you can't see for shit.)  She is blind to her son making choices in order to please her.  Everything he is doing so far is related to trying t please mommy.  Oh just wait until he hits 12 or 13 when the T levels bump up and he isn't so easily led by her telegraphed desires.  Would love to b e a fly on the wall.

I agree Stally.  That is heartbreaking and shows just how arrogant and puffed up this woman can be. 
Contact dr e  Lifeboats for the ladies and children, icy waters for the men.  Women have rights and men have responsibilties.

Nillerz

I just died a little inside reading that... poor kid.
Evolution doesn't stop at the neck.

Quentin0352

Poor kid. I am dealing with all the crap from my ex pushing how women are so superior to men all his life and her constant punishments for him being a boy. He is only 10 and she holds him more responsible for things than she holds our daughter or even herself. If they do something wrong, he gets yelled at, blamed and grounded by her. Now he is very easily hurt emotionally, afraid of most everything and has zero self esteem. All he really wants is to be a boy and loved but he has gone without any of that for years and I get to pay all the bills to try and have a counselor that has done wonders help him. She refuses to pay her part the court ordered in writing but then later ruled she didn't have to pay any of.

Women like this fuck up these boys for the rest of their lives where they either become closet fraks that may be a rapist or killer, over compensate later trying to be overly male and tough or just miserable failures in life that require a woman to rule everything for them since they are incapable of doing so because they have no self esteem.

Nillerz

He's either going to grow up to be a pansy or he'll just crack and become an emotionless jerk to everyone he sees.
Evolution doesn't stop at the neck.

Cordell Walker

I made a comment on another board about this article and I will repeat here
before I  had a change of heart, I used to love teenage boys raised by feminist single mothers who tried to raise feminist sons
at about 15 years old, I would invite one to the trailer, smoke a doob with him, show him my scales, my .38, my chevy blazer with the bump and the tint, show him a few tall stacks of $1's and $5's, and wthout exception all those boys wanted to be just like me................why?
cuz they thought that dime sacks, gats, loose women, intoxicants and easy money and jail time is what made a man.
why did they think this
cuz a feminist single mom cant teach you to be a man
"how can you kill women and children?"---private joker
"Easy, ya just dont lead em as much" ---Animal Mother

CG9603


Poor kid. I am dealing with all the crap from my ex pushing how women are so superior to men all his life and her constant punishments for him being a boy. He is only 10 and she holds him more responsible for things than she holds our daughter or even herself. If they do something wrong, he gets yelled at, blamed and grounded by her. Now he is very easily hurt emotionally, afraid of most everything and has zero self esteem. All he really wants is to be a boy and loved but he has gone without any of that for years and I get to pay all the bills to try and have a counselor that has done wonders help him. She refuses to pay her part the court ordered in writing but then later ruled she didn't have to pay any of.

Women like this fuck up these boys for the rest of their lives where they either become closet fraks that may be a rapist or killer, over compensate later trying to be overly male and tough or just miserable failures in life that require a woman to rule everything for them since they are incapable of doing so because they have no self esteem.


I was thinking along the same lines: boys raised in this fashion either become really hen-pecked, or they turn into woman haters.  Neither one is good.
"A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both."
-- General Dwight D.  Eisenhower. 

"Be bold and courageous.  When you look back on your life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did."
-- Unknown.

SouthernGuy

Poor kid doesn't stand a chance. Hope he doesn't end up in construction, he might end up crying at work.

Nillerz


Poor kid doesn't stand a chance. Hope he doesn't end up in construction, he might end up crying at work.
I had a gym coach who was caught crying on a particularly rough day.


It was kinda weird...
Evolution doesn't stop at the neck.

SIAM

#9
Aug 25, 2008, 12:40 AM Last Edit: Aug 25, 2008, 12:43 AM by SIAM
What a deluded mother.   When people say "I want to make sure he doesn't abuse his privilege" the old Twilight Zone notes start to play in my head.

Quote
I am very careful to correct people (mostly people that I know, although I have done it to strangers) when they ask my son "Oh, do you have a girlfriend?" that I do not presume my son's sexuality, and he may very well end up with a boyfriend, or not want to have a partner at all. This is usually met with eyerolls or stern looks.


He is FIVE years old.   It doesn't matter if you presume someone's sexuality at five fricking years old.  It's small talk for goodness sakes.  And she wonders why people roll their eyes at her?! At least she is in contact with people who have common sense.  What are people supposed to say as light banter then? "Oh, has your son got a life partner of either sex yet? ha ha ha!".  She doesn't get it.  I wonder if these people don't only roll their eyes at her, but when they walk away start tapping their finger toward their right ear and mutter something like "what a fucking headcase".

Quote
I am outreach worker for a family planning agency, so my son has spent most of his life being immersed in a very liberal, pro-choice, diverse community. I have many friends of different orientations, ethnicities, backgrounds, and beliefs. I find myself wondering if I selfishly seek out people to be acquaintances so I can provide a diverse group of people for my son to interact with.


Better not seek out Asian families.  They tend to be "backward" by being family-orientated, and have a low divorce rate.  How quaint and old-skool!  But not a good lesson for your son, is it? It teaches oppression since low divorce rates = the mother is putting on a brave face (of course!).  Oh, and the women are just submissive sex objects.  It's all true.  Listen to any feminist.  So, maybe just stick to the white feminist middle class women, like you types usually do, or women of any colour who identify themselves as feminists.  Oh, that's kind of self-selecting, but that's what you will do anyway. 

So, overall, she's actually trying to "reign in" her son because he's born into a life of outrageous privilege.  How would she think when he's 30 years old and finds himself living in an apartment after being kicked out of his family home by his wife, denied visitation to his children, and been falsely accused of violence? Where's the privilege now?

Tigerman

A poster called steven referenced a book on raising boys ( REAL BOYS:
Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood
) - for this 'outrage' he was insulted but without any of his detractors even attempting to explain exactly what about the cited book they disliked. Anyone who posts in that nest of vipers who doesn't toe the line deserves a medal !!  :angryfire:
Ohhh nearly forgot here is a taster of what can be found in this book:
Intro

"While it may seem as if we live in a man's world," reports Pollack, "we do not live in a boy's world." Many boys today are struggling either silently, with low self-esteem and feelings of loneliness and isolation, or publicly, by acting out feelings of emotional and social disconnection through anger and acts of violence against themselves or their friends and families. While academic performance and self-esteem are low, the rates of suicide and depression are on the rise. As the recent tragedies in Jonesboro, Arkansas, and Edinboro, Pennsylvania demonstrated, boys today are in crisis--on a national scale. REAL BOYS explains why.

Much has been written about the plight of girls in adolescence--their decreased self-esteem, increased emphasis on appearance, gender bias in the classroom, and the confusion about what it means to be feminine. Boys, Pollack discovered, suffer a similar gender identity crisis even before adolescence. Reasearch shows that male infants are more emotionally expressive than female infants. However, as a boy ages, his emotional expressiveness decreases. Why? Because 'The Boy Code'--society's definition of what it means to be a boy--demands that boys suppress or cover up their emotions. As a result, boys develop a "mask of masculinity" to hide their shame, vulnerability and the other feelings they cannot express publicly. The inability to show true emotions hardens a boy until, ultimately, he loses touch with them. Today's boys, Pollack writes, are "only allowed to lead half their emotional lives."

REAL BOYS examines:

    * How raising boys is different from raising girls
    * The truth about boys' self-esteem and how to improve it
    * Society's double standard of what it means to be masculine
    * How to help boys become more confident and expressive men
    * The double standard of masculinity
    * The empowerment of boys through a close maternal and paternal connection
    * How to help boys find their genuine voice

How Boys Communicate

As Pollack debunks the myths that boys are less empathic and loving than girls, he exposes the patterns of behavior and emotional responses that are specific to them. While girls communicate verbally, boys express their emotions through actions rather than words, seeking attachment indirectly through activities or play. By understanding the pattern of how boys deal with emotional pain or a blow to self-esteem, parents can, Pollack writes, understand how and when to talk to adolescent boys about their problems. For example, a boy in pain will initially retreat, want to be silent and alone, acting out what Pollack calls the Timed Silence Syndrome. Recognizing the moment when a boy wants to talk is critical, Pollack says, because unlike with girls, it may be a parent's one opportunity to find out what is wrong.

In REAL BOYS, Pollack gives much needed advice to parents including:

    * How to recognize signs of loneliness isolation and disconnection in your son
    * The Timed Silence Syndrome: How boys communicate differently than girls
    * How to handle problems with drugs, alcohol, depression, violence and divorce
    * How to speak to a boy and discipline a boy in ways that do not involve shaming him
    * How to recognize when a boy is ready to talk about his problems
    * How to talk to boys about sex and sexuality
    * How to make sports a positive experience for boys
    * How to get boys to talk about their friends and social life

Real Boys in School


In REAL BOYS, Pollack goes into the classroom to demonstrate how boys and girls learn differently and reveals that many schools are ill-suited to the educational and behavioral needs of today's boys. The self-esteem of young male students in incredibly fragile, even more so than that of girls. There are "different tempos" of learning between the genders - many girls prefer to learn by watching or listening, boys prefer to learn by doing. Many classrooms are not geared toward the way boys learn and as a result, a boy will act up due to boredom or restlessness and then be labeled as having a behavoiral problem, Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) or hyperactivity. "Many school systems," Pollack argues, "to a large extent have 'pathologized what is simply normal for boys.'" Among the issues discussed in REAL BOYS are:

    * The gender gap in academic performance
    * The pros and cons of single-sex education
    * How many schools are failing our boys
    * Boys' specific educational needs and learning styles

Through case studies, research and the voices of real boys, REAL BOYS explains the emotional, psychological, and physical needs and desires of today's boys and reveals how parents and teachers can work together to better understand them.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
No wonder feminists in feministing don't want to EDUCATE their son's about what is really going on - it might interfere with their women\girls as victims versus men\boys 'privileged' perpetrator mindset!!!   :angryfire: :angryfire: :angryfire:

Tigerman

Those in the UK may well have heard of Viz magazine (a sort of adult comic containing much thinly disguised social satire) and it's cartoon strip called "The Modern Parents" - well the 'modern parents' is what many in feministing remind me of especially the woman that wrote the article which is the topic of this thread. For those outside the UK or who haven't read the strip before here is the Wiki for them: The Modern Parents  :laughing6:

Tigerman

Wow - just seen this posted to the feministing thread (how to raise a feminist son from a 'Julia Lacey' :
Quote
I have just looked at the details of the book that Steven cited ( http://www.williampollack.com/real_boys_book.html ) and I am at a loss to understand why no one has thanked him for providing it. It deals with the thread starters concerns about her boys 'sensitivity' as well as the whole educational system as it applies to boys. The whole tone of the book (judging from the detailed descriptions given at the website)is very pro-feminist from what I can see. The only 'problem' I see is that because it also enumerates very specifically where boys are not best served by current practice i.e. this is 'dangerous' speech for it commits the 'mortal sin' of suggesting that boys can be victims too and that will not do with the hardcore radical feminist mindset which hold firmly to the (erroneous) belief that of the two sexes only GIRLS(or Women) can be 'victims' whilst boys (or men) can only be viewed as privileged perpetrators potentially or otherwise. If that description makes any reader of this feel uncomfortable then I suggest you have some deep soul searching ahead especially if you have sons.


What's betting that the post gets removed pretty soon!  :toothy9:

SIAM

Quote
Those in the UK may well have heard of Viz magazine (a sort of adult comic containing much thinly disguised social satire) and it's cartoon strip called "The Modern Parents"


LOL tigerman - I'm still a big fan of Viz (yeah, at 36 years old!).  Remember also Millie Tant, the lesbian feminist?


Mr. X

This isn't an article about the boy. This is an article about the mom bragging about how great a mom she thinks she is. So I wonder if she would object to a man raising a daughter this way. The whole article is oozing with liberal sound bytes. God, when I see those diversity, progressive, liberal statements I just want to gag. The vast majority of people who use the word progressive don't even know what it means. Seriously. Ask someone next time what it means. Who the hell is she trying to impress? And I like how she describes his easy to cry tendancy as "being sensitive" like its a super power or something. This woman did raise a son, she did a bunch of shit to impress a bunch of other zombie liberal progressives and ended up with a train wreck. No wonder the dad left.

Its just a lesson to all of us guys. DO NOT GIVE OUT SPERM! Seriously, this is the fucked up mess we create by doing that. If nothing else we men should withhold sperm just so women like this can't pop out sons.
Feminists - "Verbally beating men like dumb animals or ignoring them is all we know and its not working."

Go Up