More musings from my internship. I co-lead a mother support group that is in Spanish. My co-leader has Spanish as her first language, as do the moms that attend. And even though I understand Spanish fairly well and am working on speaking it well, I feel completely tongue-tied in the group. My co-leader confronted me on it yesterday, and after some thinking, I think I figured out why.
I volunteered for the group thinking that it would help my Spanish and also help me understand more about the problems facing these moms' kids (aka, my clients). Within a few days I felt uncomfortable being there, and I said so. I was essentially guilt-tripped by my supervisor and coleader for wanting out, being told that "You represent the oppressive society that doesn't appreciate them. By dropping out you tell Latina women that you collude with that larger society. By staying, you represent a part of white society that understands them, and show that you don't collude with the prejudiced majority."
In other words, I was invited (no, coerced) to co-lead this group not to allow me to learn (I am after all a student) how groups work, not to practice Spanish as I was initially told, but to help put down the society I was raised in and show them my inner socialist. Show them that yes, I realize how oppressed they are and how they lack opportunities, and that i will rally behind them all the way as they live on welfare and choose not to become documented immigrants. But of course, I'm also supposed to represent the good feminist American society that "empowers" them against their patriarchal Mexican husbands.
I find it hard to lead a group that forces me to rally around ideals I don't believe in. I don't believe these women are oppressed; in fact, I feel that I'd like to see each and every one of them enrolled in E.S.L. classes and looking for work. I want them to celebrate the complementary gender roles of Mexican society rather than throwing them off for the Gloria Steinem part of America. Granted, if one of them is being hit by her husband or something, then that is an issue, but that is not the case for most of them.
So when I do speak up in this group, I'm usually puppeting the liberal values I'm supposed to support as the American hippie I'm representing to them, and saying "Yes, I understand, I hate Bush's system and what it does to you, and I hate your husbands for holding you down, so become an American liberal feminist and celebrate."
for example, last session, one lady was saying how she suspected her husband was having an affair. Now, that is a problem. But the group leacder pulled me in to talk about how in American society, it would be acceptable for the woman to cheat right back, and how it happens everywhere and cheating is accepted here in the U.S. She asked what, as a White American, I would do if my husband cheated, and I think was sorely disappointed when I replied that I would be pissed off and probably leave, as opposed to finding my own guy-on-the-side and celebrating my sexuality. The lady also wanted me to say that here in America, sex and love are not linked the way they are in Latin America, and that is' perfectly okay for this suspicious woman to find a guy just to have a sex thing with, while staying married to her husband. But see for me, sex and love ARE intertwined--Sorry I can't be the "American liberated slut" the co-leader wants me to represent.
In all, the result is that I'm fairly quiet, and the co-leader doesn't understand why. Yesterday I got a lecture about how I seem to be "In another world, thinking about other things, and how all my clients can sense that I don't pay attention." (Typical left-wing personal jab--I do pay attention, and "everybody" doesn't care either way, just her). I have made it very clear to this woman that I'm uncomfortable in the group, but I don't feel right coming out and saying that I just simply don't want to pull Latina women in traditional families into the American feminazi welfare state way.
I have a feeling that if I try to withdraw from that group, I'll be labeled a racist (Typical left-wing personal jab again--Coerce you into doing things by guilt trips and manipulation). But this will mean staying tongue-tied each week until May, and constantly being reported for "not paying attention on the job." What a dilemma. Damn.
