My husband had sex with me while I was in a drunken state. Should I divorce him?

[PowerMan72]

 
Wow. I don't even know where to begin with this one . . .

*** LINK TO COLUMN***

Dear Prudence,
My husband is kind, supportive, funny, generous, smart, and loving. However, I feel like I must divorce him. Six years ago, when we were in our early 20s and had just fallen in love, after a night of partying and drinking, he woke me up in the middle of the night and started to have sex with me. I was dozing and still drunk and, yes, I took my panties off myself. But when I realized that it was not OK for him to make advances on me in my state, I pushed him away and ran out. He later felt so bad he wanted to turn himself in for rape. I was very confused and thought at times that I was overreacting and at others that I was raped. We painfully worked through this, but the incident made my husband very reluctant about having sex. This led to an agreement that he shouldn't be afraid of coming close to me in similar situations as long as he asked my consent. This made us feel better and I felt secure again. However, we just found ourselves in a very similar situation. After coming back from a friend's wine tasting we went to bed and he started to kiss me. I liked it and went along, only to wake up in the morning and remember only half of it. Now I am in the same painful spot I was before and I can't fathom how he could have ignored our agreement. Should I just drop it or am I right about feeling abused?
--Confused

Dear Confused,
I understand the need for colleges to have unambiguous codes of sexual conduct for their young, horny, possibly plastered students. These often require getting explicit permission for every escalating advance. However, if two adults are in love and have frequently made love then each can assume implicit consent to throw such legalistic caution--as well as panties--to the wind. Certainly spouses are entitled to say, "Not tonight" or "Not there," and have such a request respected. But even a married couple who have had sex hundreds of times can enjoy that alcohol might ignite a delightful, spontaneous encounter. Your approach, however, seems to be to treat your sex life as if it is subject to regulatory review by the Department of Health and Human Services. Your prim, punctilious, punitive style has me admiring your put-upon husband's ability to even get it up, given the possibility he'll be accused of rape--or turn himself in for it!--if one of you fails a breathalyzer test. Living in terror that expressing one's perfectly normal sexual desire could end one's marriage, and freedom, is itself a form of abuse. Stop acting like a parody of a gender-studies course catalog and start acting like a loving wife. If you can't, then give the poor sap a divorce.
--Prudie

[CaptDMO]

But when I realized that it was not OK for him to make advances on me in my state, I pushed him away and ran out. He later felt so bad he wanted to turn himself in for rape. I was very confused and thought at times that I was overreacting and at others that I was raped.

Stop acting like a parody of a gender-studies course catalog and start acting like a loving wife.

Hmmm...I might have said course syllabus.

I wonder what The Duluth Power Wheel cites, ONLY about hetrosexual males (as SPECIFICALLY cited in REFUSING to address women or homosexuals),  concerning denying and blaming, using isolation, using "emotional" abuse, using intimidation, using gender privelege, using coercion, and of course, while it wasn't specifically outlined-divorce-using economic abuse.

I'm thinking- maybe this woman needs to seek allies in Alcoholics Anonymous rather than seeking the public allies of a "Dear (fill in the blank)" column. Not so much for the booze, but unlike whatever source she learned the premise of  her panties-off "sudden realization" ,  the ease in which replacing every referance to the word "alcohol" in  AA's education, with almost ANY issue of concern,  sucessfully flows like... um....uh....wine.    

[PowerMan72]

Some of the comments posted to this article are very encouraging.

http://www.inthesetimes.com/duly-noted/entry/13546/dear_prudence_screws_up_drunk_sex_edition/

[K9]

Re: comments, I had some of these same thoughts. This woman is looking for an excuse to be a "victim". I can't imagine what in her psychological makeup would cause such a condition except maybe she reads too much Vogue or Woman's Day of some other such crap. She needs to step-up, woman-up and grow a pair.

[Eviltwin]

It sounds like the husband was drunk too. Maybe she was taking advantage of her husbands inebriated condition to satisfy her own drunken lusts. Now she is trying to put the blame on him. Her primary complaint seems to be that she had great sex, but she can't remember much of it. She seems to think that her husband is responsible for this. She should really try moderating her alcohol intake. They were invited to a wine tasting not a wine guzzling. Anyone who is too stupid and too greedy to turn down free booze when they have had enough deserves whatever they get. What do lesbian feminists do when they have drunken sex? How do they decide who is the raper and who is the rapee?

[davis2ab]

Her statements are infuriating. They are so outrageous I am thinking they are a put on.

One thing she said rings very true. She indicates that her man was reluctant or scared essentially to have sex with her after she raised this "issue."  Duh, I am sure that scared him senseless, and how can there possibly be any feelings of "romance" or "love" or whatever when he is wondering whether he is doing everything "right" on pain of being a felon if he messes up. What a nightmare.

If a woman is in a sexual relationship with a man, he is entitled to assume she consents, until she indicates otherwise. She has plenty of opportunities to "indicate otherwise" as the lead up to sex occurs. You know if she cannot consent because she was plastered, well, she shouldn't have gotten plastered wit him knowing she was in a sexual relationship with him and knowing he would believe she consented to sex under circumstances conducive to sex (e.g. being in bed with him).

Actually, I think if a woman is in bed with a man generally he has a right to assume he cannot at least make an advance whether he is married to her or not (I realize some exceptions can be imagined but this would be the general rule -- the exceptions would be few).

This notion of a woman climbing into bed with a man, not objecting to his aqdvances, and then claiming she may have been raped is just nonsense. Absolute nonsense.

[davis2ab]

It sounds like the husband was drunk too. Maybe she was taking advantage of her husbands inebriated condition to satisfy her own drunken lusts. Now she is trying to put the blame on him. Her primary complaint seems to be that she had great sex, but she can't remember much of it. She seems to think that her husband is responsible for this. She should really try moderating her alcohol intake. They were invited to a wine tasting not a wine guzzling. Anyone who is too stupid and too greedy to turn down free booze when they have had enough deserves whatever they get. What do lesbian feminists do when they have drunken sex? How do they decide who is the raper and who is the rapee?

That is a really good point. I have never bee "raped" but I sure as heck have been the recipient of long term continuous unwanted sexual overtures and then eventually revenge when she figured out that I would never be interested in her that way. It does go both ways.