With their children -- 8 and 3 -- watching from the couch, Demetrios Angelis got on top of his wife of 16 years.
He straddled her, covered her mouth so she couldn't breathe and told the children to ignore her pleas for help. When she finally stopped struggling, he rolled her 95-lb. body up in the carpet and dragged her off to the bedroom.
Then, he drove the children to Sunday school.
It was the looming custody battle that sparked the fighting. According to experts, it's the most common factor that leads to domestic homicide -- the case in nearly 80% of deaths.
Misogyny, the hatred of women, is not the sole cause of domestic violence. Many men seek to control their relationships with women and become violent when they fear they are losing control.
In Ottawa, it gets reported 3-5 times a day. Nearly 90% of the time, a man is responsible for the violence. That's higher than the national average.
This is, however, one of the least-reported violent crimes.
Chief Charles Bordeleau says that's certainly the case with many immigrant families -- where cultural traditions keep many women in the dark about what is and what is not tolerated in Canada.
He's reaching out to them, but also to their neighbours. If women are too afraid to call police, perhaps others will on their behalf.
"If individuals suspect that their friend, their family member is potentially a victim of domestic violence, they're safer to report it to the police service and have us ask those questions," says Bordeleau. "Because we've seen too often tragedy taking place."
Eighteen in the past six years, to be precise.
Staff Sgt. Isobel Granger, of the the partner assault squad, says it's difficult to determine how many cases of domestic violence go unreported.
"Most happen on weekends," she says. "We've had three this morning alone. But, investigators work a lot of overtime on weekends. It is a problem."
Like Bordeleau, Granger believes the solution is a community responsibility.
"We can only do something with what we're given," she says. "We can't be in every home."
These men -- who turn violent when their grip on the woman in their life starts to slip -- are not born that way. That's the consensus of cops and experts alike. It's a learned attitude, one they're not always aware of.
It's mostly sociological, but psychological as well.
"We're conditioned by the environment we grow up in," says Granger, who proves this statement with an anecdote from her own life.
Shortly after she first came to Canada, she was playing in the park with her son. Another boy aimed a racist remark at her son, so Granger eventually confronted the boy's father about it. When the boy's father scolded him, the boy quickly fired back "But Dad, you say that word all the time."
Ottawa-based anti-violence academic and professor Rena Bivens says many men have a "script in their head" about what the role of their female partner is supposed to be. When the woman starts running off the script, men react with jealousy and paranoia.
Some classic warning signs, according to Bivens, include being critical about clothing, a need to know where their partner is going, asking about e-mail passwords, snooping and checking up.
"Jealousy is not a good thing," she says. "Some men think it is a sign of affection."
Further evidence that violence tends to happen most often comes from the Ottawa Coalition to End Violence Against Women. Their study, entitled Hidden From Sight, contains a breakdown of the relationship status of the accused in incidents of violence in 2009 and 2010. In 50% of the cases, the violence was done by a husband and 16% of the time by a boyfriend. The average length of a relationship was nearly 13 years.
In 67% of the cases, the man was a repeat offender.
How women can find help:
There are several agencies and organizations available to help women in Ottawa at every stage of abuse or violence. There are also organizations and initiatives dedicated to stop violence before it happens and change the attitudes that cause it.
Here's a few notable ones:
-- Ottawa Coalition to End Violence Against Women
-- Ottawa Police Partner Assault Unit
613-236-1222 ext. 5407
-- Neighbours, Friends and Families
-- Lebanese and Arab Social Services Agency of Ottawa
-- Assaulted Women's Helpline
1-866-863-0511
-- Ontario Association of Interval and Transition Houses
http://www.ottawasun.com/2012/09/15/why-do-men-continue-to-beat-women