How to Get Laid

Started by daksdaddy, Feb 09, 2005, 02:58 PM

previous topic - next topic
Go Down

daksdaddy

http://www.cornellsun.com/vnews/display.v/ART/2005/02/01/41ff0ff96fa9d

Quote
Cornellingus
February 01, 2005
Heather Grantham
I bet I'm not the only one whose relationship didn't survive the break. Normally, my inflamed sense of rejection and my rather vicious vengeful streak would get together to exact some terrible retribution on the offending male. But sometimes, you don't need to scream and throw things and burn his favorite t-shirt or smear his car with mayonnaise and pink glitter. Sometimes, it's just time to move on.

So, now that I'm rejoining the mass of Johnny-drinking, Facebook-stalking neurotics, it is becoming increasingly and unavoidably apparent that Cornell guys are severely game-challenged. And, since I can't very well be a sex columnist with no sex life, I'm gonna do everyone a favor and provide some (hopefully) valuable insight.

For the purposes of this column, let's assume your goal is to have sex with the same person on more than one occasion. One-night stands, random booty calls and trophy dates don't count. Further, as a point of clarification, most of my advice will be directed at the typical heterosexual man-boy, because let's face it, you guys need all the help you can get.

The First Date

Men, first of all, no self-respecting female would accept a date invitation over AIM. (Full disclosure: I did this last week, but you can't blame me. He's 6'4" and has really great hair!) You must call her. And you should take her someplace date-appropriate -- i.e. not a bar. I know this is nerve-wracking, but she'll appreciate it. Also, your clothes should match, and they should be ironed. You might ask, "What if I'm wearing jeans?" That's simple; you shouldn't be wearing jeans on a first date. Try khakis and a sweater, or better yet, nice trousers and a button-down shirt. This is all about making an impression, and you can be cool and casual without looking like a frat-boy with a hangover.

Women, this is great, because you get to just sit there bemusedly sipping your (free!) coffee and watching him fumble a simple conversation. Compliment his hair; it'll help him relax. You likely already know whether or not he's getting laid, and you're just hoping he's a good kisser. Don't brag about your perfect SAT score, but under no circumstances should you act like a moron to make him like you more. It's demeaning. Don't be afraid to just be your fabulous self.

The Second Date Having scored the all-important second date, now you can relax a little, and I will grudgingly agree not to gripe about your jeans. The second date is when you get past the "So, what's your major?" formalities and learn more interesting things about each other.

On a budget? She'll understand. You just have to be a bit more creative. Surprise her by cooking dinner at your place -- possibly followed by dessert at Madeline's. For super bonus points, greet her with a small gift, like a single rose. Just remember to remove the wrapping to make it less obvious that you just grabbed it from Tops Xpress.

The Big Night You might get laid on the first date, or you might still be cuddling on the 10th. The most essential thing is that you're comfortable enough to discuss icky things like STDs and pregnancy-prevention. Curl up with a movie to get in the mood -- or have a glass of wine. Once you're in bed together, don't just stick to the basics; caress her in unexpected places. Foreplay is not a means to an end; it is an art form, and if your touch is impatient, she'll notice. You don't have to be missing a collarbone to be good at oral sex, but you do have to start slowly, and you are entirely too old to not know where her clitoris is. When it's your turn, don't push on her head; she doesn't need any help. I bet she had the courtesy to shave/neatly trim around home plate. Did you? I mean c'mon, encourage us a little! Moan your approval when she hits that spot. How would you feel if she just laid there like limp lettuce?

Now, put on a condom, and have some lubricant handy. If you're larger than average, you can't go all the way on the first thrust. It hurts, and she probably likes her internal organs where they are. If you're on the small side, find a position that enables deeper penetration. Again, start slow, and pay attention to her cues. Girls, you have to tell him what you want; he can't read your mind. If you take your time and communicate, you could find yourself at the beginning of something splendidly fulfilling.

While I can't guarantee you'll get laid by Valentine's Day, I hope your next date will be less awkward and more, umm, "productive." Hell, you might have been doing just dandy before I started writing, but at least I did my part to reduce the rampant ineptness. Girls, remember that this goes both ways. If you want him (or her!), ask him out! But remember that whoever asks picks up the tab.

As always, I wish you the best of luck in your romantic/sexual endeavors. Happy hunting to all, and to all a hot shag.

Heather Grantham is a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences. Cornellingus appears alternate Tuesdays.


Whats wrong with jeans? Do they make me ass look fat?
t is perhaps a terrible thing to say, but "rights and freedoms we are not willing to fight for are rights and freedoms we don't deserve."

Galt

<<Women, this is great, because you get to just sit there bemusedly sipping your (free!) coffee and watching him fumble a simple conversation. Compliment his hair; it'll help him relax. You likely already know whether or not he's getting laid, and you're just hoping he's a good kisser.>>

So if you have a woman on the line who knows whether you are going to get laid or not - throw her a curve ball.  Most men don't do this, but it's good for laughs at least one.  If you are not totally desparate, just play the game and be charming - and then go home.  Alone.

It sounds a bit odd, but it is a good experiment in your life if you are in a phase with more than one opportunity.  But watch out for the wrath of a woman scorned.  Like, seriously.  No, I'm not kidding.  If she gives you an opportunity - and you don't take it - you could be dead meat.

Stallywood

Another bullshit article written by a stupid slut. And she has the nerve to say we need all the help we can get, as if women know wht the fuck is going on.

You get a woman like this, tell her you love her while she is "bemusedly sipping your (free!) coffee and watching him fumble a simple conversation."

Give her the best sex you can, then drop her like the useless piece of crap she is.

Stally
Gentleman is a man who consciously serves women. I prefer the golden rule.

Behind every great man, is a
parasite.

Women who say men won't commit, usually aren't worth committing to.

Acksiom

<snort>

Thanks, but no thanks, Heather.  I know better than to take a woman's advice on dating, since as a rule what they only know about is being dated, and virtually nothing about the actual A-to-Z's of being on the active end of the stick.

When I want serious and worthwhile advice about dating, I hit http://www.fastseduction.com (and no, that isn't spam -- there's at least a couple of folks here who should recognize me and know I'm just passing along direction to a good free resource, with no financial or personal or other connection to it).
ck!
Non Illegitimi Carborundum, and KOT!

Sunchyme

Uh...like...whatever...Heather...speak to the hand.

Prostitution is legal in Nevada and in most of the rest of the world...get out some more Heather...oh wait...you are an American girl and your massive ego won't fit through US customs.

Short course for you Heather and everybody else:

Sunchyme's 1 step method for men to get laid:

1.  Hire a prostitute.
ometimes you got to make your own sunshine.

FP

Like, oh my God, like its totally another article about sex..from a college girl! What will she write about next!  :lol:

LSBeene

Quote
Cornellingus
February 01, 2005
Heather Grantham
I bet I'm not the only one whose relationship didn't survive the break. Normally, my inflamed sense of rejection and my rather vicious vengeful streak would get together to exact some terrible retribution on the offending male. But sometimes, you don't need to scream and throw things and burn his favorite t-shirt or smear his car with mayonnaise and pink glitter. Sometimes, it's just time to move on.

[emphasis mine]
And THIS is the woman who is considered rational enough (and attends an Ivy League to boot) to give advice to men or women on dating?!


Quote
most of my advice will be directed at the typical heterosexual man-boy, because let's face it, you guys need all the help you can get.

[emphasis mine]
1) So heather is starting her point of view as an admittedly dumped woman.  (as in is givng advice but can't hold on to even a "man-boy")

2) And not mentioning that those "man-boys" are dating "Princess 90% - Bitch 10% - Do you feel lucky?" girls (from a popular t-shirt that seems to say it all!)


Quote
The First Date

Men, first of all, no self-respecting female would accept a date invitation over AIM. (Full disclosure: I did this last week, but you can't blame me. He's 6'4" and has really great hair!)

I don't even need to comment do I?

Quote
Also, your clothes should match, and they should be ironed. You might ask, "What if I'm wearing jeans?" That's simple; you shouldn't be wearing jeans on a first date. Try khakis and a sweater, or better yet, nice trousers and a button-down shirt. This is all about making an impression, and you can be cool and casual without looking like a frat-boy with a hangover.

Hey, on this I'll give her credit: a good first impression IS important.  When she's right I'm gonna hand it to her, and she's right.

Quote
Women, this is great, because you get to just sit there bemusedly sipping your (free!) coffee and watching him fumble a simple conversation. Compliment his hair; it'll help him relax.

So, a man is nervous because he is taking the date seriously and Heather is enjoying being paid for, and being smug about it too.  Oh yea, she's someone I am going to seek out and ask if she's got a sister (NOT!)

Quote
You likely already know whether or not he's getting laid, and you're just hoping he's a good kisser.

This from a woman who just got dumped.  Riiiiiiight.  Maybe that "sex is MY decision" attitude instead of a mutually pleasurable intimacy had something to do with her "single by choice" (ha ha ) status. Or maybe the guy doesn't want YOU Heather.  

And what Stally said: He's right.  I've gotten to the point where I was about to "do the deed" with a woman, and just lost interest.  Women go BALLISTIC.  They pout, encourage, needle, belittle, scorn, and later on character assassinate a guy who doesn't give it up.

Quote
Don't brag about your perfect SAT score, but under no circumstances should you act like a moron to make him like you more. It's demeaning. Don't be afraid to just be your fabulous self.

Although this sounds self-absorbed I get her point and get her kudos.  I don't want a woman to "dumb herself down" on my account.  A woman who stimulates my brain is classy.  And she's in the age group where women (even Ivy League types) are nervous and at the same time proud of their SATs and accomplishments.  No probs here.

Quote
The Second Date Having scored the all-important second date, now you can relax a little, and I will grudgingly agree not to gripe about your jeans.

And I won't bitch that she's wearing a sweatshirt, her hair is in a pony tail, and that she can't quite seem to find her make-up all of a sudden.

Quote
On a budget? She'll understand. You just have to be a bit more creative. Surprise her by cooking dinner at your place -- possibly followed by dessert at Madeline's.

Sarcasm aside, Heather needs serious help in her "equality" department.  Since the guy paid for the first date, why doesn't HEATHER cook for HIM and maybe HE'LL understand.  Ya know, like put in some freaking EFFORT in return.  Sheesh, and she wonders why she got dumped.  "Princess-when-it's-to-my-advantage/Equal-when-it-suits-me" ring a bell?

Quote
For super bonus points, greet her with a small gift, like a single rose. Just remember to remove the wrapping to make it less obvious that you just grabbed it from Tops Xpress.

Again, just being fair, this is a classy thing to do.  But, in fairness, how about she does something for HIM.  Nothing crazy or outrageous, but something a guy will notice that tells HIM she's making an effort and this date means something?

Quote
Once you're in bed together, don't just stick to the basics; caress her in unexpected places. Foreplay is not a means to an end; it is an art form, and if your touch is impatient, she'll notice. You don't have to be missing a collarbone to be good at oral sex, but you do have to start slowly, and you are entirely too old to not know where her clitoris is.

Her smug attitude, and the fact she got dumped, tells me that she might not have tried to be a helpful lover, that she never communicated her wants (except to ALL her friends), and that she might want to work on her skills on encouraging her lover as to her needs.  I thought women were the ones who were good at this?

Quote
When it's your turn, don't push on her head; she doesn't need any help. I bet she had the courtesy to shave/neatly trim around home plate. Did you?

This one really gets under my skin and annoys the crap out of me.  Allow me to explain why?

1) When she's close to coming and grabbing my hair and suffocating me I guess "that's different"?

2) When she's close to coming and about to pop my head like a zit between her thighs and I feel as though I need a snorkal and that I'll have a broken nose from her pubic bone doing 12 rounds on my face I guess that's "different".

3) And let's talk about "swallowing".  Let's compare and contrast:  When I go down on a woman (which is something I LOVE to do btw) I am going to go down and be plastered (it's a perfect word) up against her, I'll be wet from the top of my forehead to the juices running down my chin if I'm taking my time and doing it right.  And I could be doing this for a WHILE.  So while she's using me as a personal facial sponge and I am drinking a good deal of her juices ... in the end I come up looking like a glazed donut.

And women want to bitch about a tablespoon or 3 of MY liquid that they "endure" for 3-10 seconds?!?!?!  

How do those "poor submissive" women stand it when guy "makes them" get on their knees?  Oh, because "but, but, but .. that's different" when a man gets on HIS knees and is engulfed by a womans sex.

Got it.  BTW Heather : most women I talk to tell me that a guy who shaves around his penis looks retarded.  

Quote
but at least I did my part to reduce the rampant ineptness. Girls, remember that this goes both ways. If you want him (or her!), ask him out! But remember that whoever asks picks up the tab.

All but the last part .... puhleeez.  I pay for date 1 .. you pay for date 2.  Otherwise we ALL know who is the one EXPECTED to ask the woman out.



So, I may re-read ths tomorrow when it's not so late and E-mail this TO Heather.

As always any input from y'all is appreciated.

Steven
'Watch our backs at home, we'll guard the wall over here. You can sleep safe tonight, we'll guard the door."

Isaiah 6:8
"Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

LSBeene

Actually I went to the Cornell Sun and posted my answer.  Then I added this:


Quote
This girl is in for a rocky road in the dating department.

Guys ... DON'T Listen to her.  Gals .. remember that if you act like a trophy a guy will treat you (and sex with you) like one.

Play the dating ritual.  Call her at unexpected times just to tell her how much you enjoyed the date.  Think of creative ideas so you stand out.  Listen to her interests and look them up on the 'Net so you can show you made an effort.

All this sounds good right?

But, remember this, if SHE's not making the SAME effort and expects to be a princess and be courted: DUMP HER.  She's self-absorbed and you're just entertaining her while she's still considering her OTHER choices.

THAT's good advice Heather.  And I've been with the same woman for 10 years.  You just got dumped.


It's in the que to be reviewed by the moderator.  Look for it tomorrow.

Steven
'Watch our backs at home, we'll guard the wall over here. You can sleep safe tonight, we'll guard the door."

Isaiah 6:8
"Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

HarryPawedHer

There is only one fundamental rule to dating:  What You See Is What You Get

Don't like it?  Take a hike.

LSBeene

Folks,

EVERY response she has gotten from the men (and it looks like only men have answered) has been negative.

Oh, and I did a Google search (images) of Heather Grantham ...

One word: PORKER

But, SHE's qualified (after getting dumped) to give advice on not only dating but on "good sex" (man doing what woman wants).

Steven
'Watch our backs at home, we'll guard the wall over here. You can sleep safe tonight, we'll guard the door."

Isaiah 6:8
"Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

contrarymary

Quote from: "HarryPawedHer"
There is only one fundamental rule to dating:  What You See Is What You Get

Don't like it?  Take a hike.


:yes:
quot;I can resist anything but temptation."

 Oscar Wilde

realman

Ya know, I was going to write a post here on this general topic but since it's already under discussion...

Yeah, what the hell is up with this attitude? I mean, you can't go a day without hearing "how stupid men are when it comes to women", how men know "nothing about dating", how men "aren't romantic", how men are "selfish in bed" and "don't know how to please a woman in bed". And then there's that attitude of "I'm too good for you...unless your a perfect 10, over 6'4, ride a motorcycle, make tons of money, or can spout the bulls&%$, drivel, lines, and obnoxious attitude that I just find irresitable".

I dunno...just seems liek women are awfully focused on "what can he do for me" and "I want more than this" with very little consideration for reciprocity. How much do you hear "how stupid women are when it comes to men/dating", how "women aren't romantic", how women are "selfish in bed" and "don't know how to please a man in bed". But in my experience, women should be hearing PLENTY of this! I think it's partly that as guys, we've been conditioned to not ask for more, not expect more, give in to her to "keep the peace" and/or "get a piece", etc. MEN, we need to voice our opinions!!! We need to let women know if they're selfish and obnoxious, if they can't shut up about whatever they can't shut up about, if they are nagging us ceaselessly for no good reason, if they come 3 times every tiem and you get one (especially if she isn't helping the process), if she wans you to "go down" but refuses to "go down" or swallow, if you're being romantic and she does jack,....SAY IT! Call her out on it! DOn't let yourself be whipped just because you're afraid to lose her or access to her body.  IT's not worth it.

I also find it hilarious, in a really sick and demented way, that women say they know so much more about love/romance/relationships blah blah blah. They don't! I see no evidence that women know more (or care more). They initiate most of the breakups and most of the divorces. They complain and nag incessantly and then complain mroe because her guy "isn't listening" or "isn't romantic like he used to be" (what sane idnividual would?). They blame men for anything that goes wrong in a relationship. They can "love" a man for decades then screw him for all he's worth in divorce corut just to better their own position and to hurt him (as if he's not likely hurt enough by the divorce). Also, the fact that the various "systems" actually work on women is a sad statement on the emotional, intellectual, and relational situation of many women!

It seems that women are more interested in excitement, "being given a life", being entertained, having status or power, money, and security, having an ego boost, etc. than in having an qctual loving relationship. Of coruse there are guys who want these types of things as well...but personally, and I hear this from any other guys too- that's not what most of us want.

I also find it interesting that women have the standards they do for men. THe attitude I mentioend above about "I'm too good for you...unless". It is interesting how many women shun  guys who are equally good looking, more intelligent, more wordly, make the same or greater money, have more of a "life", etc. It seems like women are "too good" for guys that should be "too good" for them! Partly the joke is on her, because often the guys she gets will really only want her physically, but there are also guys who "settle" for less than they should, tolerate thingsthey shouldn't etc. I think it's time women be brought back down to earth and realize that if she's a 4, she has no reason to set her standards for men above, at most, a 5! Seems simple enough, but women don't get it...so they complain that there's no good men, men complian that there's no good women and even so I'm not good enough for them anyway, etc. Often women once they get into their 30s seem to lower their standards...but the thing is, this just makes most of the guys feel like they're "seconds"...not what she really wants, but she got a little more desperate and "settled" for him...how romantic and loving! :roll:
But really, why is it that women seem to ridicule the male body and have very little attraction to it unless it is a rare, perfect specimen? Do women really think that most men only want a playboy model (I would dare say most guys, especially if they are looking for serious relationship, would find an average girl attractive...wheras it seems if a women goes for less than an 8 she's "settling")? Is it tehir way of "getting back at us"? Is it that because they've been drilled to dislike and disrespect men, the natural attraction to the male body has also been drilled out of them? What about issues like decency, intelligence, being an interesting person, etc.? It seems like often "her" definition is she wants him to treat HER decently but he doesn't have to actually be a decent guy; she wants him to not be a caveman, but she doesn't want him to be too smart (for her? perhaps high intelligence is unattractive to most women simply because they'd be threatened by it?); she things he's "interesting" if he wants to do everything she wants to, or if he provides her with excitement, thrills, and entertainment- but if he's not as brazenly exciting he's "boring".

Guys do share responsibility in this because a guy who's a 8 or 9 or 10 on all levels will often settle for a girl who's a 8 or 9 or 10 in looks and a 3 or 4 in everything else. I think guys also tolerate this behavior because they are conditioned to persue, conditioned to expect rejection and risk it, and also since guys want relationships and or P____ they just have to "grin and bear it" to get it. But it shouldn't be this way, and they shouldn't put up with it. So again, there is something we emn can do to tilt the table back towards equilibrium. If we set our standards where they should be and start looking for equal partners, women will have two choices: be single, or bring their standards and expectation back in line with reality.

I also take issue with women expecting men to make the first move. If they're equal, they can do it as well as we can. This would go a long way towards improving the dating and relationship scenario for both men and women, methinks. The often ponted to issue of "the man pays" seems passe in my experience...perhaps there are some real goldiggers like that around, but in my experience women will offer to pay their portion of the bill. That's not to say there aren't plenty of golddiggers though!


I think we can squarely blame feminism for most of this...the "it's all about me/her" attitude, the lack of respect and consideration for men, the fears of men, the male-bashing, the use of sex as power, the clamoring for "equality" when it means she gets more but simultaneoulsy  the refusal to give up anything for "equality", the confusion over gender roles which feed women's insecurities and cause them inflate their egos in order to feel powerful, desired, etc., the vengeful attitudes, etc.

ANyway, that's enough thought on it for now. Feedback on any and all points is welcome. I think it will be an uphill battle to get the masses of men to realize and/or do anything about it, and it also won't be easy to get females to change after they've gotten comfortable with their positions as self-appointed princesses.

Awakened

Nice rant, Realman.  :wink:

I think it's safe to say that a high majority of men are realizing this. It's just a matter of when enough of us speak up about it (as you say) for the "pampered princess" types to take notice. While also being cautious of the possible wrath ("scream and throw things and burn his favorite t-shirt or smear his car with mayonnaise and pink glitter") a man could face if he calls her on this kind of selfishness & refuses to do her bidding.

realman

One more quick thought-

We all know women want us gusy to lsiten and attend to tehir every emotional need and be "there for them" as they run their mouths about anythinga nd everything. Well, it also occurs to me that the popular advice is for women to just accept it because men "can't deal as well on a n emotinal/verbal/relational level"

Maybe it's just me, but I cry foul! Personally I think most men can deal with emotions BETTER than women, can communictae them just as well (IF they feel it is safe to do so, and that someone cares and will listen- WOMEN take note!), and can communicate just as well. The difference is, men realize what needs to be talked abotu and what doesn't...we don't talk just to talk. I just get annoyed when it is amde to sound like men just can't deal with things on that level, and that women are therefore better communicators. Let's put it this way...would any sane person read a clumsy, overly-wordy, repetitive texbook of 1000 pages if they knew the important information conatined therein was available in a 50 page, well-worded, concise hadnbook? The point being, "talking more" doesn't make one a better cmmunicator.

I also take issue with this frame of reference because it plays to the "all about me" thing- HE won't LISTEN! Well, my 2 cents is he'll listen if you talk about stuff worth saying, and if HE gets equal airtime! :shock:

In general, it seems to me that if "he doesn't listen to her" it's because he'd have no life if he did, and because he can hardly get a word in edgewise :wink: I bet men would suddenly be much better listeners (and also "open up") if women just indicated a desire to hear about him. I don't hear many women actually encoruaging their guy to talk about his experiences, hopes, fears, feelings, thoughts, etc.- but I bet if she showed an ounce of interest, and didn't silence him by the constant repetitive motion of her lips moving up and down, he'd be very happy to "open up" to her, and he'd also lsiten to her!

Hmm...

typhonblue

Quote from: "realman"
Is it their way of "getting back at us"? Is it that because they've been drilled to dislike and disrespect men, the natural attraction to the male body has also been drilled out of them?


If you don't find yourself attractive, how can you expect anyone else to do so?

Confidence does a lot on the looks department. It can create what isn't there and showcase what is. Most men have such a depressing, self-defeatist attitude to their bodies that it gets tiring to be around them. Not that it's their fault, really, but I eventually get irritated arguing with men that they're not ugly.  

BTW, as for her being a "porker" and commenting on relationships... she may feel entitled to do so because in my experience a woman, as long as she isn't grotesquely overweight, underweight or hideous, is *always* rejecting at least one man at the same time she's complaining about having no prospects. Because Heather is in the position to reject, she may consider herself "successful" at relationships.

Personally, I think someone who's sustained a long term relationship is a better bet for advice. But that's just me.

Go Up