Interview with author of 'Rantings of a Single Male'

Started by Mr Benn, Mar 20, 2005, 03:43 PM

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Alpha Male

I'm absolutely convinced woman have a "sex drive" and I don't think it needs to be invented. We were built (both genders) to enjoy intimacy. I would submit that if you are in a position where you had to "invent" a sex drive, that there is something in your past scarred you emotionally/intellectually about sex and that it is something that you simply need to work out for yourself.
(You being anybody at all - not you as is you specifically.)

As for the breast thing. I've never liked anybody distilling my sex down to animalistic primal urges. While I admit I have them, that's an oversimplification. Men are attracted to all sorts of things. Women's breasts do in fact, to an extent, come and go. It's related to breastfeeding. Or perhaps you may choose to look at that as merely a swelling of what is already there as it fills up. Actually, the ladies would probably be better suited to comment. I just know that about two days after each of our children was born it was like Christmas.
ies come in three types: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics

realman

I think most women do have a sex drive...but it often seems that it is fueled by a need for affection, a need for affirmation, a need for approval, a need to prove herself attractive and sexual, a need to keep up with the "competition", and because it feels really good...not because her partner himself arouses her to a state of "I must have him". It seems more like a lot of women are either looking for their insecurities to be buffered, or have an attitude of "I like sex but I'll only have it with a man who will take care of me". My point was that for men, sexual attraction is based more on a tangible desire to "have" a particular women...for women it seems to be more of a desire for sex with a man who provides her with what she wants. I suppose it can be broken down into types of attraction...sexual, personality, compatability, and meeting of needs. For men I think the actual sexual attraction to a particular partner is a strong drive in and of itself, whereas for women I think it is often more of "I'll have sex with him if he meets the other 3 criteria." Which to me could be interpreted as women have less sexual attraction to men (or to a particualr man) than men...they have a desire for sex but it is not as linked to a sexual desire FOR someone, or that desire is linked more to what that someone does FOR them.

This is the whole reason "romance" is so hyped up...women need to have something done for them to respond sexually to a man....while men simply respond sexually to the woman and do not need her to do anything FOR him. Whether this is a relic of biology, or a conscious or unconscious social construct by which women "get" something in return for "giving" sex (and thereby maintain the upper hand) is an interesting question...

Of course, adding the standard disclaimer that this may not apply to ALL women or ALL men...

Alpha Male

I definitely think there are differences, as you are stating, but we pretty much get to guess. We should ask BQ or ContraryMary for their opinion. In fact, I've should ask my wife. My above comments were based on the way she is but I've never actually asked her although I think I know what she is going to say.
ies come in three types: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics

The Biscuit Queen

I think men have sex to feel in love and women have sex when they feel in love. Thus the crossed wires.

If you want a woman to have sex she must feel something first. I have always said that the best foreplay is a man doing the dishes!  My point is that I want to feel close, or appreciative of that person  first, then I feel like having sex. Men use sex to feel closer, so if you want a man to feel lovey, have sex with him.

Neither is better than the other, it just would be nice if we were all on the same damn page.
he Biscuit Queen
www.thebiscuitqueen.blogspot.com

There are always two extremes....the truth lies in the middle.

realman

BQ,

Thanks for chiming in. I would agree with what you said. I was wondering fi you had anything to add to the discussion of what really makes a woman "want" a man in a sexual sense? I mean, there is a reason the top rack of the newstand holds 20 magazines for men and 1 or 2 for women! Is it that men's bodies just don't turn women on, or is it that a particular man's body doesn't really turn a woman on UNTIL she feels something for him, but once that happens it does? It just seems to me that even in an established relationship, the woman's body is much more of an "attaction" for the man than vice-versa. Or is it really that for women "sex is all in her head", and that what makes a man sexually desirable really is how he acts, thinks, etc. whereas for men it's much more straigtforward and visual/physical?

The Biscuit Queen

If you want to know where women in general get their jollies, look at romance novels. They are basically soft porn. It is far more in women's heads; how men speak, act, and treat her are far more important than looks. Yet women are no better than men at objectifying and looking for perfection. They just choose different traits.

Women want to feel in love, they have bought into the romance trap of needing to be pursued to feel in love. When a couple get married, both the woman and the man change their behavior. The man no longer pursues, so the little things he may have done while dating stop. A woman is no longer putting her best face forward and agreeing with everything the man said, and her own ideals and her imperfections come out. Both of these combine for the woman not being as interested, and the man feeling like he got the shaft.  

Add in that while I know many here complain that women get fat after marriage, they are not the only ones.

I know that while I was intensely attracted to Dave when we were dating he started gaining weight after we married. 50 lbs later he looked nothing like the man I married, and I was completely turned off.  In the last few years I have made major strides in changing my views because I love and respect Dave and our marriage, and have learned to find big guys attractive. At the same time Dave works very hard at the gym to keep in shape.  Not every woman is willing or able to do this. Not every man is either.

If you look at women's porn, you will notice that costume is important-the man's 'job' is usually featured. And Lawyer, Doctor and CEO are not the jobs featured. Fireman, cowboy, policeman are the uniforms one finds, because strength, a soft side for the underdog, a night in shining armor are what women desire. The money is nice by nothing says hard nipples like a hero.

Kinda sad in a way, for all that feminism has attempted to reprogram us, all it takes is a half naked man in a fireman's hat  holding a dal puppy to make us all swoon (well, make it bully puppy for me!)
he Biscuit Queen
www.thebiscuitqueen.blogspot.com

There are always two extremes....the truth lies in the middle.

realman

BQ, great post...you are only one woman of course, but it is interesting to here some "straight talk" on this topic from a female perspective. I do think you make some good points and I agree with what you have written. You're comments about women needed to feel "persued" to feel "in love" dovetail inetrestingly I think with some of my comments regarding how "nagging" starts...

I think that what puzzles us most as men about womne's attraction to us (or lack thereof) is that it's not as tangible or even as directly sexual as the way men react sexually to a woman. For a man, if she's hot she's hot, end of story. Personality, how she acts, what she does, etc. mostly matter in terms of "do I want a relationship with this woman", not "do I want to....her". I don't think we as guys understand how something like our profession or our attitude can make us sexually irresistable...what the hell does that have to do with sex?...so we tend to think that is "code" for something else, or a way of saying "well you're kinda fugly...but you try." So for a guy, I guess it comes across sometimes as a sense that women just don't have a sexual attraction to men like men do for women...that "sexual attraction" for a woman is wrapped up in what she gets out of it (i.e., he buys her stuff, takes care of her, whatever), and not so much an attraction to his actual person.

I think also that a "problem" for men (and ultimately women as well)arises when women react more to a man's "dangerous" or "thrill-seeking" side than anything else...because that leaves a lot of decent guys feeling like they're just not very desirable, regardless of their looks, abilities, incomes, interests, etc. I also have little sympathy for most women who get hurt by "bad boys" because often these are the very men they seek out. It is ironic that these same men that women are so drawn to sexually can often be the same men who are "assholes" once the novelty wears off. Now I'm not saying "firemen are assholes" by any means...simply that some women do not seem to fully apply their brains in their decision making. It's kind of like yeah pornstars are hot but I wouldn't date one because I realize she's probably not got much to offer me personally once the thrill has worn off a bit...

The Biscuit Queen

Isn't it funny. Women feel objectified because the man is only interested in her physically, and men feel objectified because women are not. We each do what we would want done to us, but because those are two different things we both are left unsatisfied.

I do think, however, if listeningtalking were treated like sex, and men dangled the promise of listening like women dangle the promise of sex, most women would have an epiphany. We just don't understand because the actual sex act just isn't as desireable to us. If I don't have sex for months it just doesn't bother me, what bothers me is the lack of closeness. But if I couldn't talk, which is my way of feeling close, I would have big problems. So for a man, not having sex for months would be not connecting for months, which would be very difficult.


I know that guy Mars/Venus is full of it, but it does seem like we are on two different planets sometimes.


I agree fully on the bad guy syndrome. I think many women like the dangerous thrill but not the danger. It does put nice guys into a really crappy position, watching girls get hosed yet unwilling to go out with guys that will treat them better.

I can say I am guilty of that myself; When I dated Dave part of why I liked him is because he wouldn't take my crap. He pointed and said 'there is the door if you don't like things here'. I really had to respect HIS self-respect. That really isn't being a bad guy, but at the time it felt like it, or enough like it I could forgive him for being clean, having a good job, and never having really gotten in any trouble :shock: (you would have had to know me to understand that). He made efforts but refused to bend over backwards.

If you date bad guys, expect to be treated like crap. You won't get my sympathy either.
he Biscuit Queen
www.thebiscuitqueen.blogspot.com

There are always two extremes....the truth lies in the middle.

Alpha Male

Quote from: "The Biscuit Queen"
I agree fully on the bad guy syndrome. I think many women like the dangerous thrill but not the danger. It does put nice guys into a really crappy position, watching girls get hosed yet unwilling to go out with guys that will treat them better.


This would have been something good to know while I was still young. I never did figure this out while I was in highschool or even part way through my enlistment. I was the nice guy wondering WTF am I doing wrong here. Why does she like s#!^head better?

Quote
If you date bad guys, expect to be treated like crap. You won't get my sympathy either.


But it took that bad guy attitude to start getting noticed. I stopped giving a damn, started being outright sexually oriented when I was flirting, was blatant about "This is who I am and F$#@ you if you don't like it", and in every sense of the word was not someone you would want dating your daughter.

If you will, picture that same confused highschool student dressed head to toe in black leather everything (had a lot of money to blow then) with hair down to the middle of his back wondering "WTF am I doing right here?"

My wife acutually started dating that punk.

He's dead now.

I killed him.
ies come in three types: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics

The Biscuit Queen

I wonder, is it bad guy or self respect? Nice guys are very giving and bend, they are not blunt, or rigid. I think women like the self assuredness of a bad boy, the take me as I am strength. Of course it is illusory, as good guys tend to have much more strength of character and willpower, but subtly is lost on those in search for 'love.'
he Biscuit Queen
www.thebiscuitqueen.blogspot.com

There are always two extremes....the truth lies in the middle.

Alpha Male

There is definitely the possiblity of the self respect thing. At that point in my life I had everything in the bag. Was doing very well for myself. Needed nothing and no one. I was feeling good about myself like I never had before. Incredibly confident. Made a point of picking up my wife-to-be  (unknown at that time) in the black leather persona because her co-workers wouldn't stop hitting on her. It was a rush of power when they rapidly made themselves scarce.

But I always associated what were talking about with self-esteem issue on the woman's part. In essence, she must have a real low sense of worth if she is willing to take this from Mr. s#!^head rather than switch up to someone who would treat her better. Would you agree with that or disagree?
ies come in three types: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics

Roy

BQ --  
Quote
We just don't understand because the actual sex act just isn't as desireable to us. If I don't have sex for months it just doesn't bother me...


Wow!

I thought you were just auditioning for the part of the Holy Ghost in the Blessed Female SYG Trinity!

You actually ARE the ghost!

No tactility... no sex ... no juicy bedness.... no problem?

Human mythology is chock full of stories about sexy ghosts.

They seek what they have been tragically denied, apparently....   :cry:
It's a terrible thing ... living in fear." (Roy - hunted replicant. "Blade Runner.")

MacKenzie

"Rantings" is definitely worth adding to an MRA's reading list. After I got my own copy I first skimmed the book to get a feel for it, then read it through entirely. :)   (That "Petra"... ay-yi-yi.)
FEMINISM IS A CULT THAT TRIES TO MAKE BOTH SEXES EQUAL BY FOCUSING SOLELY ON ONE OF THEM

The Biscuit Queen

Now wait a minute here...that is not what I said, or at least what I meant. If I am not getting sex, it doesn't bother me after a few days. That does not mean I don't enjoy sex immensely, it just means the drive does not stay on the surface like it does for men.

Maybe it is like eating cookies-for some people they crave it all the time, and others, like me, just don't. But I love to eat cookies, and if I eat a lot I want more. But then if I don't get them I stop craving them. (Makes it easy to maintain the weight I must say)

And to be honest I wish I did want sex more. However, women's sexuality is tied very much to how sexy she feels and I am afraid homeschooling a 9 year old, reining in a 14 year old, keeping the house, cooking and raising a hoard of small animals does not really make me feel like a Jessica Rabbit. When I dressed up and was out dancing and kicking ass in pool every weekend I felt way more attractive and had a much higher sex drive.

I suppose that is the next thing to work on. I finally managed to completely change the kind of physique I am attracted to, so I suppose ramping up the sex drive should be a piece of cake, right?

Aren't you glad you asked me all these questions-all you every wanted to know about BQ and way more :oops:
he Biscuit Queen
www.thebiscuitqueen.blogspot.com

There are always two extremes....the truth lies in the middle.

realman

"I wonder, is it bad guy or self respect? Nice guys are very giving and bend, they are not blunt, or rigid. I think women like the self assuredness of a bad boy, the take me as I am strength. Of course it is illusory, as good guys tend to have much more strength of character and willpower, but subtly is lost on those in search for 'love.'"

BQ, we appreciate your candid-ness :wink:

You make an interesting point here. IMHO, I think some women really are looking for the confidence/self-respect thing, some are looking for a "strong" man as a "protector", and some are bored with their life and need a "bad boy" to create drama (watch any soap opera...) or give them a "thrill". I would say the 2nd and 3rd categories could stand do to some introspective thinking because their choices in men may refelct issues that they have within themselves. The first category is a healthy desire...but one that can probably at times be led astray by the "bad boy" image.  I also think there are two types of "nice guys"...the spineless, bend-over-backwards, doormat nice guys; and the decent, caring, genuine nice guys that still have a backbone and healthy personal boundaries. I think the challenge is that initially women may often perceive the "genuine" nice guys as "spineless" nice guys because...well, because they're nice...the "backbone" is not always readily apparent unless the sitaution calls for it...and those situations are not always likely to be seen by her until she starts spending time with him. So in the meantime, she gets the impression that all "nice guys" are spineless doormats and doesn't give the really decent men a chance...

yes, it is interesting taht women feel objectified as "sex objects" because men are drawn to their physical sexuality, and men feel "undesired" or feel a bit like "work animals" because women are drawn to how we act/what we do "for her". Like I said, as a male it is hard to figure out how I can be "sexy" if women DON'T "objectify" my body...we males also get mixed messages because the girls all go ga-ga over some shirtless celebrity hunk or whatever but few "normal" males get that same reaction...even though that is how WE react (at least hopefully...) to our female partners...

For example, if I'm with someone and she's getting changed...I"m fully tuned in :shock:  :P ...whereas if I;m getting changed, sometimes she's fully tuned in :P  and others times she might not be :?: ...yet she says I'm sexy and seems to have "no complaints"...so it's like "she wants to have sex with me but seeing me naked is no big deal...hmmm?"...at least you women KNOW when us guys are really into you! :oops:  :P

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