i'm in USA/Kids in UK. problems agreeing time with their mot

antimisandry · Jun 29, 2005, 01:31 PM

the issue is this, in short:

we agreed prior to my departure to UK that i get 3x phone calls p/week and 1x camera call on w/end. i get them 3-4 weeks during their school holidays, and every other xmas.

reality:
i get 3x phone calls p/week and usually 1x camera p/week - mostly on the w/end but a lot fo the time she's late getting from her parents back home in time for the agreed time online.
we discussed about them coming over in August this year and she's being a bitch about it
she's claiming that the nursery suggest she has to be with my youngest daughter at all times else she may regress (she had speech and social problems). she's come on well from her issues, but i'm having a difficult time believing that the nursery would suggest she has to go even on holiday with my children.
she refuses to lay anything down in concrete. we can't afford to put her in a hotel or anything so i've offered our spare room where could literally be with our kids, but no reply as yet.
she won't let my wife go pick them up for aleged fear of kidnapping (though i've pointed out "you kidnapped our children years ago when you went to the refuge - when have i done anything close to kidnappign?" and get no reply there either).
she knows full well i can't go collect them as if i go back in to UK at this time, i wont get back in USA as my immigration is still going through!

she knows she has me by the balls
what can i do?

if you need more information , let me know.

antimisandry · Jun 29, 2005, 03:25 PM

our latest conversation on msn/email:

http://kmathewsforum.proboards45.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=bitching&thread=1120083665

antimisandry · Jun 30, 2005, 04:52 PM

well, i had a strange idea - being a mens' forum n all - that i may have gotten some form of advice or support regarding the matter i posted above.

i'm disappointed to see so many views yet not one ounce of support or advice.

are you all certain you're for men's rights, or just here to bitch about feminism and nothing else?

regards,

one disappointed father.

Ivar · Jun 30, 2005, 06:16 PM

Karl, I can't speak for others, so this is just me;

It's not that I wouldn't care enough to answer/help you... It's just that I don't know what to write. You see, I was never in situation that you describe above, plus I don't live in UK, but in a country with totally different law system, so I can't really offer you any legal advice or anything...

So, I'm sorry, but there really isn't much for me to do/say but to wish you luck. I know it's not much & I wish I could be more helpful, but sadly that can not be the case.

Best regards.

PowerMan72 · Jun 30, 2005, 06:32 PM

karlmathews:

Ditto for me. I really wish we were better organized, but what can I do? The best advice that I can give you is to get in touch with the guys at Fathers For Justice. They seem to have a strong organization in the U.K. and they may be able to help.

devia · Jun 30, 2005, 11:50 PM

Karl,

As odd as this may sound there are few non-custodial parents on this board and I'm one of them.

I live a ten minute drive from my son, and to be honest it's been hard to keep the same connection I have with my (I'm tempted to use the word "own") other kids then the one I only see every second weekend.
I got hit in the face with this just this week when I went to work beaming from ear to ear after my youngest "custodial" kids graduation bragging "I'm now two for two!!!". Only after walking away from that brag did I realize that I'd gotten through 2 out of 3.

I commend you for seeming to not let go of that bond regardless of the distance and can empathize with you. Three times in eight years my son has come to our home saying his dad was thinking about moving to another province, he hasn't done it yet but I know it's within his rights.

He's also at an earlier point put into my son's head that I might try and "snatch him". All I could do was tell him while I would love it if he decided to live with us when he's older his dad is his primary parent and until/when/and if he expresses wanting to change that I think his dad is doing a rather good job, considering he's such a great kid and all.

I'm up to trading horror stories if you want, however I can't imagine what it must be like transatlantic. FFJ does sound like the best support you could get under the circumstances. Good luck, for what it's worth her staying in the appartment on top of yours seemed like you were willing to do whatever it took from an outsider looking in.

Kind Regards

Warcod · Jul 01, 2005, 02:52 AM

Karl,

I am also a non-custodial parent and while I would love to give you some good news I am afraid that you are in for a long shitty ride.

The fact is that while you are in another country you are not going to see your daughters for a long time, unless you have the absolute goodwill of your ex.

I live 20 miles from my daughter and in the last 7 years since my divorce I have had two protracted periods where I was denied contact, and there was very little I could do. I had my ex in court twice and both times was awarded a contact order. Unfortunately they are barely worth the paper they are written on. The courts don't enforce them. I personally doubt the courts would insist that a child as young as four be allowed to travel abroad alone, especially if your ex gets some quack to say the child has specuial needs of some type.

Fortunately my tale has a happy end, I see my daughter every weekend, and I see her midweek as well, in fact I can see her pretty much whenever I want. Unfortunately I got to this situation by acceding to every single demand my ex placed on me, I never argue with her, never criticise her, I am always around to help her out. You have to take the blame for everything and basically pander to her ego. Basically you have to kiss a whole lot of arse, because like it or not she's got your nuts in her hand.

If you are going to stay in the states you may well have to face up to the unpleasant fact that you aren't going to see your kids for at least a year.

If you go the legal route it's going to cost you a fortune, and you are going to end up with an unenforcable court order anyway.

I strongly advise you get on the phone or messenger and start kissing her arse. But if she's got the hump with you, then sadly you are ****ed.

I know it's not what you want to hear.

There is light at the end of the tunnel.

PM if you would like any further advice.

Brett

antimisandry · Jul 01, 2005, 11:05 AM

a very important thing happened regarding this.
i was pretty pissed at the school for making a phsycological evaluation that has deemed to be detrimental to my relationship, so i called them up and talked with my youngests' tutor about this.
turns out, she'd said NOTHING to the effect that steff had implied. instead, she'd mentioned to steff during the parents evening that lizz had social issues, she waited before jumping into activities etc. the teacher mentioned that over the year lizz's confidence has soared and she's now at similar levels socially with her peers. the only thing was, she couldn't guarantee that lizz would show similar confidence during the next year as she'd have a new teacher...
what she'd said had nothign to do with steff's relaitnoship, my relationship or anyone's relationship OTHER than the teacher/pupil relationship. iow steff lied outright!

to me, that's an incredibly important fact.

now, my plan is to find out whether seh's going to let them come over or not. if not i intend to return to UK and fight in the near future (i have to wait for immigration here before i can travel though, could be 12 months). if so, then i doubt i'll make any fuss over it.

do you folks think i should let her know that i'm aware she's lying through her teeth, or should i blam her in court with it and let everyone know she's a liar by highlighting this fact?

and btw, i'm sorry for snappign re lack of replies but i hope some can understand i was pretty stressed.

devia · Jul 01, 2005, 11:25 AM

Ask your lawyer. My feeling is the less you argue with her the better you'l look in court.

The only advice I can give you is DOCUMENT everything, and acquire witnesses whenever possible.

TheManOnTheStreet · Jul 02, 2005, 05:32 AM

Document everything! Don't show your cards either! I know it sounds petty but, the only way that I know of men winning is when the woman makes mistakes such as these lies and the male pulls it outah the rabbit hat in court so to speak.

If you give her time and the ability to counter all of your "proof", you will surely loose.

My 2c's

Al

Warcod · Jul 04, 2005, 02:53 AM

Personally I wouldn't tell her that you know she is lying, all it will do is antagonise her more. Just try buttering her up, and doing the legal stuff in the background.

Whatever you do will be wrong in her eyes.

Every time I ever confronted my Ex with her own lies she claimed that I was in the wrong for checking up on her.

Good Luck

The Gonzman · Jul 04, 2005, 05:32 AM

The problem is Karl that like far too many, once you are stuck in the cycle you are usually beyond much hope. Sad to say, the time to get help is before she has the upper hand.

It's a sorry-assed thing to say but girls are taught from a young age to work the system; I recall in my student teaching days doing an exercise in life budgeting, and several of the girls wondering how much they were getting in "Child Support" (And oddly, all budgeting for a nightclub lifestyle, but another rant that one). Boys - and later men - usually have no clue how fucked they are until they are well and truly fucked, and then they come around asking "What can I do?" and far too often all that can be told them is "Well, what you SHOULD HAVE done was...."

antimisandry · Jul 04, 2005, 11:04 PM

i thought i had.
i'd avoided court, i'd avoid arguments (we have occasional ones here n there, but never overblown ones) and generally i'm very flexible where times & dates are concerned...

perhaps i should've done the opposite and jumped into the courts?

just seems like whichever way i could have gone, i'd still have lost.

The Gonzman · Jul 05, 2005, 03:50 AM

Well, yeah, the system is set up so that there is no real justice, there are winners and losers - and if you don't want to be a loser, you have to be the sonofabitch.

Double Jeopardy · Jul 05, 2005, 06:36 PM

Quote from: "Gonzokid"

Well, yeah, the system is set up so that there is no real justice, there are winners and losers - and if you don't want to be a loser, you have to be the sonofabitch.

That is perfect, I doubt it could be explained any better.