The joy of being a nut. Richard Ford.
I have been offensive and extreme to some people and for this I would like to apologise. This is a symptom of not allowing my inner lunatic to run free. Now that I can recognise my vocation- an extremist nut who is entertaining to a great many people- I can depersonalise my anger. I no longer feel hostility to those who have hurt me because I have become a sort of licensed clown. A clown may speak the truth that no one else may because this truth is softened by laughter. The clown may not be credited with wisdom but he opens the door to people who come after him and say very similar things- this time without laughter.
For far too many years I was ashamed of everything I was. I liked to tie women up, 'force' them to clean the house. Yet I wanted to be emotionally close to these women. I wanted a friend and an equal and so I was ashamed. I was also scared of embarrassing my family and felt that I needed to be taken seriously in order to do good in the world.
None of this was true. I gradually came to realise that women wanted to place themselves under my control because of my gentleness and not despite it. I also realised in my soul (rather than just my mind) that what I wanted to do had nothing to do with abuse. Everything I have ever done was from feeling of great love and cutting off this side of me also killed my protective and loving feelings towards women in general. It is true that my good intentions have been abused in the past but the way forward to allow these wounds to be healed.
Only a few weeks ago I wrote that I had no feelings towards women whatever. This was true. I wanted to protect women from my anger so I closed myself off from them. Unfortunately this preserved the anger as well (I was even seriously thinking of getting a cat). On Sunday I attended church for the first time in many years. I just sat there and let God speak to me in any way he may wish to. To my surprise I was flooded with sexual fantasies and went back to my flat and masturbated three times- something I did not do even as a teenager and I am nearly fifty now. Great part of my anger has now gone. I am able to accept my part in the abuse that I allowed to be heaped upon me. None of it was my fault but I protected her as she abused me- and I can see the abuse as a joint effort.
I can also see that I have had the privilege to meet some wonderful submissive women who risked a great deal emotionally in their desperation to submit. Most of the time I just ran away from this wonderful gift. This is more than one man has the right to expect life to give him. I as given opportunity after opportunity to express my real nature but each time I blew it.
Women have handed me the gift of submission and service again and again- but I was horrified at the idea of inequality. I cannot blame them for finally turning around and kicking me in the balls. I can only wonder at their patience and generosity. I could have had anything I wanted- absolutely anything. This was even true of a heiress to some 35 million pounds.
I cannot say that life or women have been cruel to me overall. My problem is that I erected a fence around myself that would only admit bad things. I wanted to be the giver and the rescuer but the women I was attracting to me wanted to serve me. The only way they could achieve satisfaction was by giving me pleasure but I could not be 'selfish' and receive it.
Picture this. I visit my girlfriend, she has a meal for me. She compliments me, flirts with me, runs a bath for me, gives me a full body massage and finishes off with a BJ. She wants nothing more than to please me and yet nothing happens. I can only think how selfish I am being and then I worry that she might be hurt by my lack of interest. The harder she works at me the more I worry about the lack of appreciation my body is giving her. After an hour of heroic efforts, I stop her. I feel like shit because I have disappointed her and she feels like shit because she thinks she has done something wrong. She tries harder next time and I become more guilty.
The really ironic thing is that this Serrano turns me on. In my dreams it always works and my pleasure gives satisfaction to the girl- but in real life I cannot be selfish even if it the only way to give pleasure.
The reason I can tell you all this is that I no longer have a 'normal' life to protect. I can announce my strangeness to the entire world. I have no dark secrets to discredit me. This means that I can tell the truth on every level. A very liberating feeling.
I am posting this under my real name which means that there are no longer two Richard Ford's. My employer or anyone I work with can do an internet search and up comes this article.
My guess is that being open will even help me. There are a lot of frustrated women who are missing something from their lives (submission) who will be curious to meet a dominant man. They may have no interest in a relationship but will probably gain a slight fission from talking to me. This can only help at work.
There will also be men who have guilty fantasies and think they are bad people. They will tend to see me as a mentor- again this can only help.
Finally there will be feminists who will go rabid. Suddenly I am protected by political correctness! I have a minority sexual orientation! I am protected from them for the first time!!! I am fireproof.!!!!
