I am looking for some advice, and I'm thinking you all can provide me with perspectives I'm not going to get anywhere else...if anyone wants to, of course!
My husband and I were hanging out at our favorite wine bar after work and talking Monday night (my ex has the kids every other Monday night) and my husband, my kids' stepfather, mentioned that he'd like to talk to the kids Wednesday night after dinner about a few things (my husband has Boys' Night Out every Tuesday and Thursday nights, so Wed. was the next night he'd be with us all for dinner). I said sure, like what? He said he'd like to talk about taking more responsibility for household chores...such as, if they see the kitchen trash can is full, they take the trash out to the garage and put in a new trash bag instead of just piling the trash on top...and about trying harder to conserve electricity in the house...such as making sure all the lights are off when leaving a room...etc. etc. Sounded fine to me, and I said so. Then he said, he also wanted to discuss something else with them:
Me: What's that?
Him: How to treat women.
Me: (pause) What do you mean..?
Him: They're obviously not learning this from their father...they need to learn to open doors for women, to carry their bags, and so forth.
Me: (silence)
Him: They need to learn to behave chivalrously.
Me: Uh...I haven't taught them that.
Him: Well, you shouldn't have to. Your ex should.
Me: I don't think my ex has ever been into chivalry.
Him: Well, I think the boys need to learn that.
Me: Um. You know, first, before I say anything else, I want to say how much I appreciate you taking the time to think about my boys, and wanting to provide them with things you consider to be positive male attributes...I really, really appreciate that, boys can't have too many positive male role models and I think it's really great that they not only have my ex but also you, and it really means a lot to me that you've obviously been putting a lot of thought into this--
Him: Okay...
Me: ...but I can't advocate teaching them to treat women any differently than they treat men.
Him: It's chivalry.
Me: I understand that, but...I've really, really made it a point to *NOT* teach them to treat girls any better, OR worse, than they treat other boys...naturally I advocate treating others with courtesy and consideration at all times, and for instance if they see somebody struggling with a huge heavy box trying to get through a door they should run up and open the door for that person--
Him: It'll be really important to them when they're older to get girls, and teaching them to behave chivalrously now will really help them out with that.
Me: But I can't advocate treating girls better than boys just because their girls.
Him: You don't have to. I'll do it.
Me: But I can't advocate YOU doing it either.
Him: (starts to look a little mad)
Me: I'll tell you what...how about you tell them your opinion and then I'll tell them mine..?
Him: That will completely undermine my opinion then.
Me: Look, I definitely don't want to try to tell you what to do...DEFINITELY not telling you what you can and can't do...you must do what you feel is right...I just am so very, very uncomfortable with telling them to treat girls differently from boys. I've been in nontraditional gender areas my whole life and I've done this in part by never, never expecting nor even allowing if possible, different treatment of me because I'm female. Do you understand..?
Him: Not really. This is *chivalry,* not whether or not girls can be soldiers or engineers.
I gave up, and he had the talk with them Wednesday night. He's going to be out with his buddies tonight, so it'll just be me and my boys at home tonight...what should I do? Should I just let it go? Should I say anything to them about what he said Wednesday night? Other options (are there any)? If anyone wants to throw out his or her two cents, it'd be very appreciated.