A simple change of anatomy would make this knife block illegal and put rights organizations in a quandaryWith Valentine's Day less than a month away, and love soon to fill the frigid February air, what better gift for the jilted or scorned woman to buy her estranged (fill-in-the-blank) -- or better still, herself -- than a skewer-you All Men Are Bastards knife block.
The only colour it comes in, in fact, appears to be blood red. The colour, of course, could not be more perfect or timely as Valentine's Day approaches.
There are five stainless steel knives in the All Men Are Bastards knife block, which is sculpted into the shape of a male which, depending upon the order of insertion, becomes the recipient of a torturous overkill.
Speared
One knife goes straight through the brain.
A second is speared through the heart.
A third enters the stomach but, alas, a few degrees north of the family jewels. A design flaw perhaps.
A fourth knife cuts through the right thigh, and a fifth through the left knee.
And there you have it, the perfect Valentine gift for men-hating women to either give themselves or the object of their scorn -- and all for only #59.95, or approximately $120 Canadian, delivery from the United Kingdom included.
To spare the need to Google, it can be found at
www.iwantoneofthose.com.
And it has the website's ad writers hyped.
'Award-winning stuff'
"Well, isn't this the best knife block you've ever seen in your life?" the sales pitch begins. "Forget bland polished beech, this is award-winning stuff. Designed by the Italian design guru Raffaele Iannello, the 'Voodoo' -- or as we like to call it, the 'All Men Are Bastards' knife block -- is destined to find its place among the greats in the top design museums of the world."
Yes, next stop, no doubt, the Bauhaus Archive in Berlin.
It was Sun reader Terry Lear who tipped us to this nifty piece of artistic misandry, he having received an e-mail from a friend in Great Britain who, like him, is overly fatigued by the fact that men have become fair game for any slander or libel, or generalization -- and without consequence.
"Imagine," he says, "if it were a knife block called All Women Are Bastards. Or All Women Are Bitches.
"Can you imagine the hell that would break loose?"
Lear, a 56-year-old retired accountant, was so incensed, in fact, that he e-mailed British Prime Minister Tony Blair, demanding -- "not requesting" -- that the "manufacturers and retailers of this piece of trash of unbelievable sheer hatred be shut down permanently and the companies charged, and prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
"I have never been so enraged in my entire life."
What he got, in return, was "auto response only."
He even wrote to Prime Minister Blair's wife, Cherie, and received an electronic reply that it was "confirmed read."
But nothing more.
Lear also sent a similar e-mail to Toronto Police Chief Bill Blair and, within three days, got a response from Supt. Bob Clarke, an executive officer in the chief's office.
"We have looked into the matter and as this is a United Kingdom website, regrettably there is nothing that we are able to do."
Lear, in fact, wrote scores of e-mails -- to federal police agencies, to police associations, to political leaders, to an assortment of MPs and MPPs, to radio commentators, as well as to a number of North American newspaper agencies and magazines.
The majority came back, "Deleted without being read."
A call to the contact number at
www.iwantoneofthose.com was redirected to the London office of Hill & Knowlton, which handles the website's public relations.
"I don't believe we have had any complaints," said Hill & Knowlton's Natalie Card.
She also said the item was not being sold as an All Men Are Bastards knife block, even though it is how the item is not only headlined on the website, but hyped.
"Are you sure?" she asked.
There is even a glorious review on the website from someone called Dawn R.
"I just received my All Men Are Bastards knife block and, oh my god, he's gorgeous," she gushes. "He looks even better in the 'flesh' than he does in the catalogue.
Give him a name
"He would be even better if he had a nameplate so one could give him a name, e.g.: an ex-boyfriend ..."
When asked if she could look a little deeper into the complaints department, as well as come up with the number of All Men Are Bastards knife blocks already sold, Hill & Knowlton's Natalie Card said she would call with the information within three days.
It has now been a week. And nothing.
The knife block, meanwhile, remains Out of Stock.
A new shipment, however, is promised to arrive within three weeks -- just in time for Valentine's Day.
http://www.torontosun.com/News/Columnists/Bonokoski_Mark/2006/01/17/1397597.html
