Door opening and picking up the tab

Started by lkanneg, Mar 15, 2006, 12:51 PM

previous topic - next topic
Go Down

lkanneg

I am back on the dating scene!  Yikes, it's just as scary as I remember it being...just kidding.  It's okay.  But I have had three (3) dates now with three different men since I became single once more, and how it worked out with the issues in the subject header, so I thought I'd share.  This is not a fascinating topic or post, but comments are welcome.   :)

First date:  I forgot about the whole door opening thing.  I practically trampled him without meaning to because I was entering a building in my usual fashion, ie, whoever gets to the door first opens it, and I was slightly in front of him, and I didn't realize he was stepping forward to get the door for me til he was basically underfoot.  Very embarrassing.  

When the waitress brought the check, he scooped it up before it hit the table with one hand and reached for his wallet with the other.  Fast mover.  I said, "Hey, you wanna split the check?"  He glared at me.  He said, "You're not a member of NOW, are you?"  "Um, no," I said.  "Well, the last woman I took out on a date was and she DEMANDED we split the check."  "Oh," I said.  "Well.  I just thought I'd ask."  "No," he said.  

Second date:  I remembered the whole door opening thing from the first date so I kind of hung back as we approached the entrance.  Date no. 2 kind of hung back too when he noticed I was doing so, and shot me a distinctly puzzled look as we slowed to a crawl just in front of the door.  Ha ha.  Obviously my timing stinks with this whole door thing.  

After coming back to our table from the ladies' room, I said, "Check, please?" to our waitress.  She said, "Oh, he already took care of it."  Fast mover--I couldn't have been gone more than a few minutes.  "Next time, er, assuming there is one, it's my turn," I said.  He smiled at me and shook his head.

Third date:  I deliberately showed up ten minutes early so I would already be in the restaurant before he arrived, thereby avoiding the entire door situation.  However, I feel this is just putting off the inevitable since I probably won't be able to pull that off every single time in the future.  I need a better plan.

When the check came I scooped it up in one hand this time and started to dig my wallet out of my purse with the other hand.  He in turn plucked the check from my grasp and said, "Put that thing away," meaning my wallet.    "Really," I said, "we should split the check."  "No," he said.  "I'd really like to," I persisted.  "Stop it,"  he said.  I'm going to keep asking, but I'm thinking it's not getting me anywhere--am I asking in the wrong way?  I thought men were dying to have women offer to pick up at least half the tab...
quot;Remember no one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
--Eleanor Roosevelt

"Something which we think is impossible now is not impossible in another decade."
-- Constance Baker Motley

"Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got."
--Janis Joplin

strangedisk

You're doing what you think they really want of you.  They're doing what they think you really want of them.  Hillarity ensues!

Keep us posted.  I'm married and only have access to the dating scene vicariously.

Galt

I open doors and pay for the check on dates.  That's the customary format, and deviations from that have brought me nothing but trouble.

From my distant past, I remember a few episodes in which I didn't follow the format.  It was not graciously received, and in some cases I still had to pay the full amount anyway.

It's not a whole lot of money - so I think that men should simply follow the format to avoid trouble.  That's the whole thing with a first date - you don't know who you're dealing with.

I can only think of one good case around 15 years ago.  It was a blind date, I had zero interest in her, other than maybe fooling around with her for the night, but I could see that also wasn't in the cards.  So when she said, "should I pick up my half?" - I said "OK".  She was so pissed that I wondered what she was going to do to me.  It was like an insult.  She really did pony up a little bit of money - nowhere near what she ordered - but I would have gladly just paid everything at that point to get away from her near-hatred.

lkanneg

Quote from: "poiuyt"
...any thought for your sons in the matter ?


Oh, heck no.  Well, naturally I think of them all the time, but they are so utterly not involved in my dating scene.  I go out on the nights their dad has them and they will never meet anyone I am dating.  Definitely two separate lives.
quot;Remember no one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
--Eleanor Roosevelt

"Something which we think is impossible now is not impossible in another decade."
-- Constance Baker Motley

"Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got."
--Janis Joplin

lkanneg

Quote from: "strangedisk"
You're doing what you think they really want of you.  They're doing what they think you really want of them.  Hillarity ensues.


You are probably so right!  ;) Maybe when we all relax a bit things will work out a little more naturally...
quot;Remember no one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
--Eleanor Roosevelt

"Something which we think is impossible now is not impossible in another decade."
-- Constance Baker Motley

"Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got."
--Janis Joplin

aknapp1112

Quote
I thought men were dying to have women offer to pick up at least half the tab...


Not sure where you heard that at. Asking if they want to split is just fine, if he says no then no problem (free meal for you, enjoy it)

Now, if the check came to the table and you PUSHED it towards him, then you have a problem. offering to split is just fine, EXPECTING him to pay is wrong.

My two cents.... hope you enjoy the dating scene again!!! Good luck.

Galt

lkanneg - if I read this correctly, you are working on a second divorce.

I would maybe slow down now with that "getting married" thing.

AND - you remind me a whole lot of my little sister, she's also smart and earns well and is a tad feminist.  I want the best for her, but I have also told her to not get married again right away.  She also has two under her belt.

Galt

double post

contrarymary

I met T from an ad I put on Yahoo Boards because I was sick, had insomnia and had nothing else to do.  I never meant to date anyone, and I didn't check for responses - because I didn't want another man.   Not after that last disaster.

Anyway, after six months, I did check and found over 60 responses.  T's lept out at me - so well written - and I decided to meet with him as a friend.

Our plan was to go for coffee only.  That morphed into dinner - and he would not let me pay.

He asked to see me again, and I told him yes, but I HAD TO PAY.  I wanted to treat HIM.  He agreed but THEN refused to let me pick up the check.  It's the only time he has ever, in over three years, misled me and it was upsetting.  He truly didn't understand why I was upset.  He probably agreed thinking I didn't mean it.  I DID.

Some men CANNOT allow a woman to pay.  I think, with T, it's his age and the era in which he was raised. He's almost 60.  

I dated a professor from Penn, and he told me straight out that his EGO would not allow a secretary to pay for his meals... :?
quot;I can resist anything but temptation."

 Oscar Wilde

contrarymary

PS Lisa, how did I miss this?  I thought you were married...I usually pay more attention....I'm sorry - and it's good to see you.
quot;I can resist anything but temptation."

 Oscar Wilde

Peter

Quote from: "Galt"
I open doors and pay for the check on dates.  That's the customary format, and deviations from that have brought me nothing but trouble.


I think it more than ten years since I have paid for a date. Sometimes she pays and me the next time, or she pays for the movies and me for the dinner. No much discussion or arithmetics.

Maybe things are different on this side of the pond.

If the woman gets furious about it, all the better.
BM-NByw7VE2PwjfTtsVdeE5ipuqx1AqkEv1

lkanneg

Quote from: "Galt"
lkanneg - if I read this correctly, you are working on a second divorce.

I would maybe slow down now with that "getting married" thing.

AND - you remind me a whole lot of my little sister, she's also smart and earns well and is a tad feminist.  I want the best for her, but I have also told her to not get married again right away.  She also has two under her belt.


:D Oh, fear not, you are preachin to the choir.  I have absolutely no intention of getting married again, in the near or the far future.  I do have reasons for reentering the dating scene, but one of them is not to find another husband.
quot;Remember no one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
--Eleanor Roosevelt

"Something which we think is impossible now is not impossible in another decade."
-- Constance Baker Motley

"Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got."
--Janis Joplin

Galt

Quote from: "contrarymary"
He asked to see me again, and I told him yes, but I HAD TO PAY.  I wanted to treat HIM.  He agreed but THEN refused to let me pick up the check.


That's because men instinctively know, and women instinctively know, that it's a sign he's interested in you.  Both parties think that way.

And then it morphes into the customary thing where women marry up - and if you add the nurses who marry the last-year residency physician who makes less than them and the like - you are getting to something like 90+%.

OF COURSE he's going to follow the pattern, because he's interested in you.

When I think about this further, there's probably no way in hell for men to get out of this general pattern of paying for women - and I'm talking about over years, in relationships, not some $100 for a restaurant.

That's what friggin' attracts most women.

lkanneg

Quote from: "contrarymary"
PS Lisa, how did I miss this?  I thought you were married...I usually pay more attention....I'm sorry - and it's good to see you.


Hi Rosemarie!  :)

I was married.  Well, technically I am still married--in my state you must be separated for a year for a no-fault divorce, and we haven't been separated for a year yet.  We are legally separated, however, with a detailed agreement drawn up by his lawyer, scrutinized by mine and signed by both of us in the presence of a notary.  :(  Don't be sorry--it's very much for the best, though admittedly it doesn't feel that way all the time and it hurts like h*ll sometimes.  

It's good to see you too!   :)
quot;Remember no one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
--Eleanor Roosevelt

"Something which we think is impossible now is not impossible in another decade."
-- Constance Baker Motley

"Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got."
--Janis Joplin

contrarymary

Quote
And then it morphes into the customary thing where women marry up - and if you add the nurses who marry the last-year residency physician who makes less than them and the like - you are getting to something like 90+%.


Well, I am guilty as charged. I WILL be marrying up - T is a genius.  As far as money, well, we're working on it.  Together.  

I will be marrying into the McMansion - which we both hate and want OUT of but we can't right now.  We have a special needs child who can not be moved right now.  Long story.  Won't bore you.
quot;I can resist anything but temptation."

 Oscar Wilde

Go Up