Passive agression

Started by dr e, Mar 29, 2006, 12:30 PM

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dr e

Anyone had much exposure to someone really crafty in the ways of passive aggression?  

I have seen many couples over the years where the woman was a master at passive aggressively infuriating her partner.  She knew just the buttons to push and would wait for the right moment and then push away! (usually related to sex or money, his not making enough or a subtle stab at him not being good enough in bed) The guy would react right on cue and get upset.  Oftentimes he would yell.  Then she would claim victimhood at having been yelled at and the focus of the conversation left the previous sphere (which she didn't like) and entered her victimization.  He screams "I'm not yelling!"  She would then pour a little salt in the wound at the right time and he would blow!  Maybe he would push or shove.  Then you leave the realms of yelling and enter into a possible domestic violence charge.  The whole thing was a set up from the beginning.  He didn't know what hit him.  They go to a therapist and the focus is not on the original issue but on his domestic violence.  

Men need to be able to discriminate this sort of sucker punch and to not react.  By reacting and getting upset you are giving your power away.  You are letting her shift the ground away from the topic at hand and into the realm of you being a meanie and her being victimized.  It takes practice and work but once men get the hang of this it starts to transform the relationship.
Contact dr e  Lifeboats for the ladies and children, icy waters for the men.  Women have rights and men have responsibilties.

Sir Jessy of Anti

I've had experience in that with a past girlfriend.  I would never fall for it, and would point out the behaviours on her part, and how that made me feel.  Generally this would result in her exasperation saying, "how did this get to be about me?".  Well, when you decided to use underhanded tactics it became about you.  Deal.
"The man who speaks to you of sacrifice, speaks of slaves and masters. And intends to be the master." -- Ayn Rand<br /><br />

Metal MRA

When I was in the process of breaking up with my girlfriend a few weeks ago, I would just pull the feelings card before she did.  Towards the end I could see it coming after the arguments progressed to a certain point.  It really pissed me off, because my feelings were actually hurt, and that's when I first realized that she really didn't give a shit about me, and was in it for herself.  Oh well, I'm far better off now. 8)
en occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing has happened.
--Sir Winston Churchill

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.

If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things.

Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'


In my opinion this is domestic violence.Therefore there shouldn't be any need to defend against it, it is a crime and should be dealt with accordingly.

The evidence can be collected by the simple use of a tape recorder of some description.

I Believe any women who intends to use the methods you describe to commit psychological abuse soon shuts up if they think they are being recorded.

dr e

Exactly Julian.  That is a great strategy if you think this sort of thing is going on.  Break out the tape player and push record.  Things get real civil real fast.   :wink:
Contact dr e  Lifeboats for the ladies and children, icy waters for the men.  Women have rights and men have responsibilties.

Somebody else

I haven't seen very many women who DIDN'T possess that talent. I thought it was like womens' intuition.
ust because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they AREN'T out to get you.


My ex was a pro at that. Some of her favorite things to do were to walk by me and say "I hate you!" in front of the kids and when I asked what the problem was she would start yelling and then tell me to stop picking fights in front of the children. One time on my birthday she told a friend to get me nice and drunk at a topless bar. When I got home that night she told me her brother was going to kick my ass (something she would say on a regular basis) and I replied for him to just go ahead and do it since I was sick of the threat. Well guess what some of the items where that popped up on the DV protective order?

Hmmm, I would start fights in front of the kids, how I would come home from topless bars drunk and how I wanted to beat up her brother! I was also supposedly a porn addict though the only porn I ever got was some crap she used to buy me and I kept telling her to stop bothering since I wasn't interested in it. She used to brag to everyone she could (even in front of the kids) how she loved to have me look at porn or go to topless bars since she wanted me to get worked up and she would get the benefits of it.

Now remember, I supposedly raped her, molested the kids and had all kinds of affairs to boot. This all when I have nerve damage in my left testicle from botched surgery that is extremely painful. Yeah, the courts still believed her over medical experts and witnesses though. Yeah, women never set men up for any of that kind of shit now do they?


deleted - way too self-aggrandizing... and self-absorbed....:D
quot;I can resist anything but temptation."

 Oscar Wilde


Passive Aggression has got to be the biggest evil that exists in the battle of the sexes. The problem that we men have with passive aggressive behaviour is that it is too hard to pin passive aggressive behaviour to any one single act - it is usually an orchestra of many small individual acts that create a bigger situation, and too many women are masterful conductors of such behaviour and even shamefully take pride in their craft. I just tried to explain some of the passive aggression I have experienced and found that my explanation looked longer than the Bible so I erased it for fear this site wouldn't have the bandwidth.

It's about high time that the Abuse Industry tackles passive aggressive behaviours in women. If they spent half the effort convincing people to be aware of passive aggressive behaviour that they do condemning men for aggressive behaviour, I feel confident that the majority of the issues that exist in the Abuse Industry would almost disappear.

Let me ask a simple question: What is the purpose of behaving passive aggressively?

Answer: To evoke aggression in the other party.

PLAIN AND SIMPLE - if you behave passive aggressively, you are attempting to create aggressive behaviour in the other party. But who then is to blame for the nasty consequences of aggressive behaviour?

If my neighbour keeps beehives, I know that the hive has the potential to hurt me, but at the moment, the bees are quite docile and content. I however, decide to create some excitement and start throwing rocks at the beehive. The bees get angry and I get stung 25 times. Whose fault is it that I got stung? The bees? My Neighbour's? - CERTAINLY IT'S NOT MY FAULT!

The very fact that women rarely make an attempt to curb their passive aggressive behaviours illustrates just how much of an inflated hoax the abuse industry is. I mean, if the whole point of passive aggression is to create aggression, you would think that getting smacked around would stop you from behaving in a way that motivates someone to hurt you. I mean, after getting stung by the bees yesterday, do you think that I will go throw more rocks at that hive today - and tomorrow and so on?

If a woman behaves passive aggressively towards a man with the intent of enraging him, then is she not really the one soley responsible for having an enraged man in her face? Well, honey, looks like you always get what you want - see ya! I don't feel sorry for you. You are not the victim, you are the perp!

I wonder how many "victims" became victims by their own passive aggression? I wonder how many "victims" would be eliminated if society began to call women on what the intent of her behaviour was?

Didn't most of us men learn a lesson about being a shit head when we were young? Didn't we learn that having a big mouth and trying to piss people off eventually gets you a punch in the nose? Didn't we learn that if we don't want to get punched in the nose so much, maybe we shouldn't piss people off? - THEREFORE, is it reasonable to assume that women haven't gone through this learning process nearly as much as men, and the very fact that so many women CONTINUE TO ASPIRE TO EVOKE AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOUR FROM MEN is in fact a testament that the abuse industry is indeed extremely false? Is it not also a testament to good men's self control in the face of such manipulation to not shmuck a passive aggressive female one when he would in fact paste the crap out of a male who behaved only half as badly? Is not passive aggression really a synonym for "Asking for it?"

dr e

Rob - Passive aggression is not only found in women.  Also, I would question whether passive aggression's "purpose" is aggression.  Passive aggression is a way to express anger without expressing anger, like pissing on someones toothbrush.  It's simply a passive mode of being pissed off.  I'd be curious to hear what you have to say about passive aggressive behaviors creating aggression.

As far as pa behaviors being akin to "asking for it" I think you might need to do some explaining with that one.  Many times pa isn't even noticed by the one who is the recipient.
Contact dr e  Lifeboats for the ladies and children, icy waters for the men.  Women have rights and men have responsibilties.


Quote from: "Dr Evil"
Many times pa isn't even noticed by the one who is the recipient.
Is that not the entire point of PA, to insult and upset so the other person (the recipient) feels guilt over a 'reaction'.
ny man living in this feminized world has got to be tough to tolerate it.

>> <<


Dr Evil - I realize that women aren't the sole perpetrators of passive aggression, they are just the masters of it.

What I mean by "asking for it" and creating aggression is somewhat difficult to explain, because it takes too long to illustrate a situation properly. But I will try and give a relevant situation that I experienced.

I lived with a woman for a few years and we split up after I found out that she had been cheating on me for four months (while trying to convince me to elope with her at the same time - ???). She moved out of my house and immediately moved in with the guy she was fooling around with.

I thought I had learned a thing or two from a previous bad break up that was also the result of cheating - and I put in a heroic effort to stay on the moral high ground this time around. During "the breakup", she told me what an asshole I was - and I replied that I'm sorry she felt that way because I really enjoyed going out with her. I didn't badmouth her to people, rather I said she was a nice girl but things just didn't work out - and then I would change the subject. I never attempted to contact her even once to find out what had all happened nor did I ask anyone any questions about it, but being that we lived in a small town of 5,000 people, I still seen her quite regularly around town - driving the new guy's truck. She would give me the "death glare" whenever she seen me, but I would just wave and smile.

I mean, I really pulled it off even though I was devastated by the betrayal. I was amazed with myself. People told me bad things she would say about me and I would cut them off saying that I just didn't want to know etc. etc. - But in retrospect, I realize that "not playing the game" was really the biggest game of all.

After two months of this, she came by where I worked and talked to me for the first time since we split up - not about what had happened between us, but rather as if nothing had happened at all. She informed me that she had moved in with the guy right after splitting up with me as if she was chatting with Oprah over a cup of tea. I remained calm however and didn't get angry with her nor criticize her. I just didn't want to go through all of that hostility that happens between ex's and I was determined to avoid it all costs.

So, after this visit, she began to call me 3 or 4 times a week - always telling me what her and new boyfriend did, or bought etc - sometimes she would get bold and mention things about sex. I always remained calm while talking to her but was horribly bothered it. After a few weeks of this, I told her that it wasn't a good idea for her to keep calling me up because I wanted to get on with my life.

The phone calls didn't stop, nor did the info she would "slip" out. So I bought a phone with caller ID and screened my calls at home - but I worked in sales and couldn't screen her phone calls there nor stop her visits - so the game continued - I just started brushing her off by telling her I was too busy to talk to her.

After another week or so of her continuing with this behaviour, I finally just outright told her to quit calling me because it wasn't fair for her to throw the guy she was cheating on me with in my face all the time. I told her that she was the one who cheated on me and now I had a right to get on with my life without hearing all of this crap and she was being rude. She asked if she was ever allowed to call me again, because she missed me so much - I told her I didn't want her to call me again for at least a year, then maybe we could try to be friends.

She stopped calling, but didn't stop visiting. She would always "find" a T-shirt of mine or something and still stop by at my work and visit and drop more information about her and dreamboat. She did this twice - on the second time I told her I didn't want anything back - keep it or throw it out, I don't give a shit.

I didn't hear from her for a week or so after that and in the mean time, snowmobile season had started and I am/was an avid snowmobiler and used to double the ex-girlfriend up riding in the mountains every Friday night. I was a member of the Snowmobile Club for years and like clockwork every winter I night ride on Fridays and day ride on Sundays.

Well, low and behold, guess who convinced her new boyfriend to drop $10,000 on a new sled (he never owned one before) and start doubling her up riding on Friday Nights. And guess what, they latched onto my group because "I was leading and I have the most experience night riding in the mountains and they didn't want to get lost". I tried to not let it bother me because there were 10 or 15 other people there that I usually ride with and I didn't want to embarass myself - but I did leave fairly early and didn't enjoy myself at all.

The next weekend - you guessed it, there's the ex and boyfriend waiting for my group in the parking lot - and the next weekend etc. I seen the pattern & I called up the ex, for the first time since we split up, now around four months or so ago. I asked if I could come over to talk to her (she talked to me enough that I knew HE was working Nightshift at the mill). She told me that I couldn't come over to talk because her boyfriend would get mad. I said I didn't really give a shit and was coming over anyway, if he got mad I'd just explain that I thought it would be alright since she'd called and visited me at least 30 or 40 times since we split up.

Now, when I got there, I confronted her directly. I asked her why she was always calling and why she was up snowmobiling with me etc. I told her I didn't want to play games but that I thought that she was doing these things to try and make me mad so that she would know that I still cared. I told her she could always just ask if she really wanted to know - and then I told her that I did still care, and I was really hurt etc. and that I was trying hard to keep it together so please stop all of this crap and just leave me alone! I also told her that I thought it was really unfair, since I had put in so much effort to be decent about what had all happened, that she chose to invade my Friday Night Snowmobiling. I told her that I know the mountains are public, but I thought it was mean for her to expect that she could just take (gumby) up riding with me, uninvited, like I won't care. I asked if her if she was trying to start a fight between me and (gumby), because it seemed like it to me and I told her I was having a REALLY hard not losing my temper with this whole situation. So I asked her PLEASE, could you leave me alone with my Friday Night Snowmobiling etc.

Guess who was waiting in the parking lot the next Friday Night? Only this time, we were absolutely not on speaking terms anymore, because now I was furious. To top things off, everytime we stopped in at the Club Cabin to warm up, she would sit directly across from me and start making out with her boyfriend.

AND YET, I didn't say anything or get mad.

Then her boyfriend started blabbing to everyone about how good his new sled was and how Polaris Snowmobiles are pieces of junk

And this is what I remember happened next:  

I stayed looking down at the floor of the cabin and my voice started low and calm and ended in a furious rage by the time I finished saying:

"You know, it's one thing that you were fucking my girlfriend behind my back for months before we split up, and its another thing that she moved in with you the day after we broke up. She calls me several times a week and rubs my nose in it trying to make me mad while knowing that I outweigh you by 30 pounds. You come up and go riding with me like its nothing and I'm getting so mad I feel like smacking her one for it but I can't hit girls so I guess that I'm gonna kick the shit out of you twice as bad to make up for it."

By this time I looked up to see his ass quickly exiting the cabin - without even suiting up...

And I ended it by screaming at the top of my lungs: "But what really pisses me off is hearing a fucking prick like you cut down Polaris Snowmobiles!!!"

He (and the ex) were already gone and I satisfied myself by punching a hole in the wall.

He dumped her the next day.

Now, Dr. Evil, that is what I mean by passive aggressive behaviour's purpose is to evoke aggression in the other party. Aggression begets aggression, passive aggression is just a form of aggression - but the rule still applies.

I am not Job. I know my shortcomings, I know when to remove myself from a situation (learned painfully from experience), I DON'T know what to do when someone uses passive aggression to purposefully hurt me and make me angry. I DON'T know what to do when someone uses passive aggressive behaviour to stalk me and harass me into losing my temper.

Exactly what to do you think my ex was trying to accomplish with her behaviour? Do you not think that she was purposefully trying to anger me? Why or why not?

And the frustrating thing about passive aggression is it takes a post as long as this one just to probe the surface of it.

Dr Evil, if your wife left you because she was having an affair with me you might very well be in a lot of emotional pain. Now, if I purposefully showed up at your favourite pub, sat a few stools down from you and bragged about my sexual prowess with my new girlfriend (ie. your wife) to the other patrons while fully well knowing that you are within earshot, I would be behaving passive aggressively. If I did this to you for four or five months until you finally got so angry with me that beat the crap out of me - who's fault is it?

Sorry that this post is a gazillion miles long - that's the problem with passive aggressiveness. It's sneaky and underhanded and cannot be explained nor properly conveyed in brief.

dr e

Well Rob, it sounds like you busted out of your own passivity and got openly honest in a loud way and your situation improved greatly.  You are a good example of how standing your ground in an honest fashion is far superior to masking anger and hurt with passivity.
Contact dr e  Lifeboats for the ladies and children, icy waters for the men.  Women have rights and men have responsibilties.


Dr. Evil,

I don't believe that your definition of "passive aggression is a way to express anger without expressing anger" is accurate, rather I believe this is only a tiny fragment of a definition of passive aggression.

Passive aggression doesn't have to have anything at all to do with anger. It has to do with aggression. Aggression is not necessarily a bad thing either.

And women are far more passive aggressive than men, it is not exclusively feminine, but it most certainly is a feminine trait and its purpose is to evoke aggression out of males to get the response she wants.

When a woman "comes onto a man", she does so passive aggressively by twirling her hair, her body language, touching him on the shoulder or on the chest etc. - the purpose of this is evoke the man's aggressive behaviour so that he will ask her out or take things a step further. This is passive aggressive behaviour, a series of subtleties intended on encouraging someone else's aggression - and through that aggression she achieves what she really wants.

This is classic female behaviour. Using men's aggression to get what she wants. She gets YOU to ask her out, She gets YOU to initiate sex, She get YOU to propose marriage - all things that she wanted from you in the first place. Very few men will do ANY of the afore mentioned things without first receiveing passive aggressive cues from the woman - yet its his aggression that completes the deal.

But herein lies the problem and if society doesn't pull its head out of its ass and aknowledge passive aggression for what it truly is, we can MRA our asses off and women will always passive aggressively sidestep the issues with a "who, me?"

In another post - the one about the College of William and Mary where a girl got drunk and slept with three men in one evening and the one man got charged with rape... it would be interesting to see, if there should be a hidden camera, how many passive aggressive cues this woman gave off to the men to let them know she was in drunken heat. How many hair twirls, how many chest touches etc - I mean, do you or I really believe that she just walked around at a party and screwed three guys separately because they pulled her into a bedroom, without speaking to them about anything else, they propositioned sex to her and she just said OK? Bullshit, women are equally complicit in initiating sex - its just that they are on a different and much more hidden plane.

I mean, you try to defend a rapist by saying that she was twirling her hair - yet your girlfriend can watch you speaking to a waitress and FREAK OUT by all the subtle cues the waitress gives you and your girlfriend WILL deduce that you are being hit on by "that bitch".  

Passive aggression is like the wind. We know its there, buts its much harder to prove than something solid and more visible like a rock.  

But this truly is the crux of the problem that men face. Virtually everything "our esteemed and learned abuse counsellors" address is open aggression - a very male trait. But the thing that never gets addressed is the passive aggression that encouraged the aggression in the first place. You can address aggression until you are blue in the face, but if you don't want to admit that passive aggression is a direct cause of aggression, we will forever be doomed to run around in fruitless circles.

Hey, it still takes two to tango.


A woman virtually always knows how to push her man's buttons especially after years of living with him. He may control his responsive feelings for years. If he loses control just once, he goes to jail.

The politically correct position though is that you "cannot blame the victim." This so called victim may have been working for years to get a response. The so called perpetrator may have been heroic in not responding. However, it is simply not politically correct to point this out.

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