Dr Evil - I realize that women aren't the sole perpetrators of passive aggression, they are just the masters of it.
What I mean by "asking for it" and creating aggression is somewhat difficult to explain, because it takes too long to illustrate a situation properly. But I will try and give a relevant situation that I experienced.
I lived with a woman for a few years and we split up after I found out that she had been cheating on me for four months (while trying to convince me to elope with her at the same time -
). She moved out of my house and immediately moved in with the guy she was fooling around with.
I thought I had learned a thing or two from a previous bad break up that was also the result of cheating - and I put in a heroic effort to stay on the moral high ground this time around. During "the breakup", she told me what an asshole I was - and I replied that I'm sorry she felt that way because I really enjoyed going out with her. I didn't badmouth her to people, rather I said she was a nice girl but things just didn't work out - and then I would change the subject. I never attempted to contact her even once to find out what had all happened nor did I ask anyone any questions about it, but being that we lived in a small town of 5,000 people, I still seen her quite regularly around town - driving the new guy's truck. She would give me the "death glare" whenever she seen me, but I would just wave and smile.
I mean, I really pulled it off even though I was devastated by the betrayal. I was amazed with myself. People told me bad things she would say about me and I would cut them off saying that I just didn't want to know etc. etc. - But in retrospect, I realize that "not playing the game" was really the biggest game of all.
After two months of this, she came by where I worked and talked to me for the first time since we split up - not about what had happened between us, but rather as if nothing had happened at all. She informed me that she had moved in with the guy right after splitting up with me as if she was chatting with Oprah over a cup of tea. I remained calm however and didn't get angry with her nor criticize her. I just didn't want to go through all of that hostility that happens between ex's and I was determined to avoid it all costs.
So, after this visit, she began to call me 3 or 4 times a week - always telling me what her and new boyfriend did, or bought etc - sometimes she would get bold and mention things about sex. I always remained calm while talking to her but was horribly bothered it. After a few weeks of this, I told her that it wasn't a good idea for her to keep calling me up because I wanted to get on with my life.
The phone calls didn't stop, nor did the info she would "slip" out. So I bought a phone with caller ID and screened my calls at home - but I worked in sales and couldn't screen her phone calls there nor stop her visits - so the game continued - I just started brushing her off by telling her I was too busy to talk to her.
After another week or so of her continuing with this behaviour, I finally just outright told her to quit calling me because it wasn't fair for her to throw the guy she was cheating on me with in my face all the time. I told her that she was the one who cheated on me and now I had a right to get on with my life without hearing all of this crap and she was being rude. She asked if she was ever allowed to call me again, because she missed me so much - I told her I didn't want her to call me again for at least a year, then maybe we could try to be friends.
She stopped calling, but didn't stop visiting. She would always "find" a T-shirt of mine or something and still stop by at my work and visit and drop more information about her and dreamboat. She did this twice - on the second time I told her I didn't want anything back - keep it or throw it out, I don't give a shit.
I didn't hear from her for a week or so after that and in the mean time, snowmobile season had started and I am/was an avid snowmobiler and used to double the ex-girlfriend up riding in the mountains every Friday night. I was a member of the Snowmobile Club for years and like clockwork every winter I night ride on Fridays and day ride on Sundays.
Well, low and behold, guess who convinced her new boyfriend to drop $10,000 on a new sled (he never owned one before) and start doubling her up riding on Friday Nights. And guess what, they latched onto my group because "I was leading and I have the most experience night riding in the mountains and they didn't want to get lost". I tried to not let it bother me because there were 10 or 15 other people there that I usually ride with and I didn't want to embarass myself - but I did leave fairly early and didn't enjoy myself at all.
The next weekend - you guessed it, there's the ex and boyfriend waiting for my group in the parking lot - and the next weekend etc. I seen the pattern & I called up the ex, for the first time since we split up, now around four months or so ago. I asked if I could come over to talk to her (she talked to me enough that I knew HE was working Nightshift at the mill). She told me that I couldn't come over to talk because her boyfriend would get mad. I said I didn't really give a shit and was coming over anyway, if he got mad I'd just explain that I thought it would be alright since she'd called and visited me at least 30 or 40 times since we split up.
Now, when I got there, I confronted her directly. I asked her why she was always calling and why she was up snowmobiling with me etc. I told her I didn't want to play games but that I thought that she was doing these things to try and make me mad so that she would know that I still cared. I told her she could always just ask if she really wanted to know - and then I told her that I did still care, and I was really hurt etc. and that I was trying hard to keep it together so please stop all of this crap and just leave me alone! I also told her that I thought it was really unfair, since I had put in so much effort to be decent about what had all happened, that she chose to invade my Friday Night Snowmobiling. I told her that I know the mountains are public, but I thought it was mean for her to expect that she could just take (gumby) up riding with me, uninvited, like I won't care. I asked if her if she was trying to start a fight between me and (gumby), because it seemed like it to me and I told her I was having a REALLY hard not losing my temper with this whole situation. So I asked her PLEASE, could you leave me alone with my Friday Night Snowmobiling etc.
Guess who was waiting in the parking lot the next Friday Night? Only this time, we were absolutely not on speaking terms anymore, because now I was furious. To top things off, everytime we stopped in at the Club Cabin to warm up, she would sit directly across from me and start making out with her boyfriend.
AND YET, I didn't say anything or get mad.
Then her boyfriend started blabbing to everyone about how good his new sled was and how Polaris Snowmobiles are pieces of junk
And this is what I remember happened next:
I stayed looking down at the floor of the cabin and my voice started low and calm and ended in a furious rage by the time I finished saying:
"You know, it's one thing that you were fucking my girlfriend behind my back for months before we split up, and its another thing that she moved in with you the day after we broke up. She calls me several times a week and rubs my nose in it trying to make me mad while knowing that I outweigh you by 30 pounds. You come up and go riding with me like its nothing and I'm getting so mad I feel like smacking her one for it but I can't hit girls so I guess that I'm gonna kick the shit out of you twice as bad to make up for it."
By this time I looked up to see his ass quickly exiting the cabin - without even suiting up...
And I ended it by screaming at the top of my lungs: "But what really pisses me off is hearing a fucking prick like you cut down Polaris Snowmobiles!!!"
He (and the ex) were already gone and I satisfied myself by punching a hole in the wall.
He dumped her the next day.
---
Now, Dr. Evil, that is what I mean by passive aggressive behaviour's purpose is to evoke aggression in the other party. Aggression begets aggression, passive aggression is just a form of aggression - but the rule still applies.
I am not Job. I know my shortcomings, I know when to remove myself from a situation (learned painfully from experience), I DON'T know what to do when someone uses passive aggression to purposefully hurt me and make me angry. I DON'T know what to do when someone uses passive aggressive behaviour to stalk me and harass me into losing my temper.
Exactly what to do you think my ex was trying to accomplish with her behaviour? Do you not think that she was purposefully trying to anger me? Why or why not?
And the frustrating thing about passive aggression is it takes a post as long as this one just to probe the surface of it.
Dr Evil, if your wife left you because she was having an affair with me you might very well be in a lot of emotional pain. Now, if I purposefully showed up at your favourite pub, sat a few stools down from you and bragged about my sexual prowess with my new girlfriend (ie. your wife) to the other patrons while fully well knowing that you are within earshot, I would be behaving passive aggressively. If I did this to you for four or five months until you finally got so angry with me that beat the crap out of me - who's fault is it?
Sorry that this post is a gazillion miles long - that's the problem with passive aggressiveness. It's sneaky and underhanded and cannot be explained nor properly conveyed in brief.
