Realization

[zarby]

I have spent the last 4 years essentially living in my office.

I spent a lot of money on my house remodeling it inside and out.

I nevertheless haven't lived there. I go there once a night to take a shower and change clothes and sometimes on weekends to play rancher.

I prefer to stay at the office. It avoids airconditioning the house at significant expense. It keeps me near the internet. I listen to audio books off the internet, participate here, etc.

But, I realize there is more. The house represents both my biggest dream -- a failed dream (a house and family in the country ) and also my biggest failure (loss of my wife and family). She attacked the house endlessly near the end. I think it was because she knew how much it meant to me. I had told her literaly on our first date that I wanted to live in the country. Near the end, she attacked me for your house in the country. I reminded her that I had told her I wanted this literally on our first date. She responded "Yeah, but I thought it would be a nice house."

Everything is relative but it is 2600 square feet of house with 52 acres within 12 miles of downtown. It has not one stop sign or light between it and downtown. It is surrounded by fields and completely country despite its proximity to town. Yes, it started out rough but was constantly improved. I have had numerous people including women go on and on about how nice and unique it is, but it symbolizes my divorce.

I think I cannot really move on until I move out. I had already rented it. I have to be out on May 1, but I explained this as a temporary financial move. I need to move out emotionally not just financially. It is not my home. I need to find a new home. I then perhaps can put my demons behind me. I only rented out the house and immediate vicinity. I still have the rest of the land including several barns. I wonder whether I should keep going out there on weekends and playing rancher and what not or whether I should just abandon the whole place leaving it only as an investment and rental property? I know I need a new home.

[Malakas]

Zarby, I don't wish to sound insensitive and I'm not a psychiatrist but I detect a serious self-esteem problem here.

You have a 2600 square foot house and 52 acres!!! You are practically a lord, nay a princeling.

I don't wish to minimize the effect of your divorce and loss of your family.
I've been there and spent two years as a Zombie. Like you I threw myself into work and kept my head down. The pleasanter aspects of life began to slowly creep back - at first insignificant little things like the taste of a really good curry or a bank teller flirting with me. The realization slowly dawned that I could do what I wanted, go where I wanted and mix with whom I wanted.

We may not know you personally but there's enough evidence from your posts to demonstrate that you are rich (relatively), talented, educated and articulate. In short you are powerful. Decide what you really want. To sell or not to sell the house will then be a secondary decision which won't matter either way in twenty year's time. From where I'm standing your future looks pretty bright. If you were standing next to me you'd agree.

[BRIAN]

Zarby,

Don't give up the house. Don't let her kill your dreams out of spite and ruin you after she is gone. Keep the house. Move in and raise a herd of Brangus Cattle and be happy. Don't let the Harpy win dammitt!

[Stallywood]

Zarby,

Don't give up the house. Don't let her kill your dreams out of spite and ruin you after she is gone. Keep the house. Move in and raise a herd of Brangus Cattle and be happy. Don't let the Harpy win dammitt!

I agree. I would maybe move out for a year or so, give the other family notice, and when your ready move back in.
Stally

[Malakas]

Sorry guys, have to disagree.
Zarby, the house is just a thing. Don't get bogged down in materialist details.

'Man hath but a short time to live'. What do you want from life? The clock's ticking and you can't phone a friend or ask the audience because they don't know either. Your life-plan (plus the accumulated wisdom from past mistakes) is vastly more important than some expensive real-estate.  The 'worldly goods' are a vulnerable asset but nobody can steal your brain!
What do you really want? Once you've decided that, the way ahead is clear.

[Men's Rights Activist]

I've been divorced twice and still live in the house I shared with both of them.  It ain't no biggee, unless you let it be one.  The memories go away, replaced with memories of other good times.  Why let other people ruin our dreams?  Why let the waiter eat our soup?

We shouldn't let our possessions, or our history, or other people own us.  Sure it's easier said than done, but it's a good thought to keep in mind.  We have all been conditioned as men to serve and to seek fulfillment in serving, but given circumstances today, a major paragidgm shift is definitely in order.

If we are forced to live in a gender feminist, brave new world, then let men, the great builders, make it into a model that is more to their taste.
http://www.cafepress.com/mensbiz.10562845
Click "View Larger"

Hang in there bro, and do what pleases you most.

[realman]

I think the imprtant thing for Zarby is, "what does he want NOW"?

Have you really lost your desire to own and live in that house and enjoy the land and lifetsyle that go with it?

Or are you distancing yourself from the painful memories of what you shared there with your wife and children?


Only you knwo the answer Zarby, but from where I sit it seems like the options are:

1>)you really do want to live there.

2>) You really have changed your goals and values and living there is no longer what you want

3>) you really want to live there, but the pinful memories and prehps a feel of "pointlesness" get in the way

4>)you want the way of life and verything else- but don't want to be rminded every waking moment of what you once had there- so you sell or rent this place and get a new place

I'd hate to see a guy in your situation lose what he's got as a result of his present emotional trauma, only to wish 2-5-10-20 years down the road that he hadn't. But I'd also hate to see someone "trapped" in a painful place when some distancing would have helped him get back on his feet.

Best of luck regardless.

[Rob Layton]

When something as traumatic as a family breakup happen, everything else becomes unimportant. We invest so much in our wives and family that life becomes empty and irrelavant without them.
All we ever want to do is share a dream with our loved ones, as Zarby has.
With time on our hands we have a choice to sit and beat ourselves up over what might have been, or move on to realise our dreams.
At times such as Zarby is going through I take my eyes off myself, and look for a possitive in the situation.
Many of your posts have demonstrated you all must do the same thing.
I would say to you Zarby ...You have realised your dream Bro, enjoy it, and let others enjoy it with you. Let this house have a purpose.I guarantee you will enjoy it bro. And so will others.
All the best
Rob.

[The Gonzman]

As far as painful memories go ... I have but what thing to offer:

Don't Let The Bitch Win.

Don't let her tarnish your dreams.  Hell, sell the house if you must and buy another one, but live in the country even if you have to do it at first out of Pure. Fucking. Spite.

[Virtue]

Dude you totally need to rediscover who you are.....do ALL the things that YOU enjoyed doing before the marriage....go back and revisit yourself....if the house is bringing bad memories REMAKE it the way YOU desire,.....Make it YOURS again!