hahahaha...Hahahahahaha

[Sir Percy]

Hahahahahahahahahahaha.



That's it.

Did that put a smile on ya face?

[contrarymary]

No.

[contrarymary]

OK, if we're going to provide laughter, mirthful, joyous or otherwise, on this thread, please read the following:

A new young associate is not exactly the brightest young woman in the world.  So one night she screams for me on the intercom while I'm in the stock room getting ready to take out the trash, and it takes me a while to get to her.  She is growing increasingly agitated.

When I get to her register, she says, in desperation,  "I need tens.  I need tens."

I make some joke about hating ten dollar bills; fives are better.

"No, you don't understand.  I need $10.31 for this customer's change."

(The customer was not looking any too pleased.)

So I go over how to open her register for a NO SALE for what seems like the 84th time that day (she can't remember how to do it herself, desite numerous demonstrations by me), and open her register only to find a STACK of FIVE DOLLAR BILLS a friggin' mile high.

I have to bite my tongue.

"Sharon, you can use two fives to make the ten dollars."

Sharon looks incredulous.  "Oh.  Really?"

OK, so fast forward to yesterday.  Sharon is not the faster learner in the world, but it seems she actually reasoned on my lesson in high finances and thought about it, concluding that she can, indeed, use currency other than the obvious to make change.

Because yesterday, I heard her say to a customer, "So, would you like four dollars in nickels for your change or four dollars in dimes?"

No, he wants his $4.00 change in friggin' pennies.

Sheesh.

I aplogized to the customer, and hastened to get Sharon some one dollar bills for him, and the customer, upon  leaving said, "And these kids are our future?  It's frightening."

I simply smiled at him and apologized again.

[gwallan]

If we're going to laugh let's at least laugh at something....no matter how silly...

The new cinematic emporium
is not just a super sensorium
but a highly effectual
heterosexual
mutual masturbatorium.

or for the more scientifically inclined...

There was a young lady named Bright
who could travel much faster than light.
She left one day
in a relative way
and came back the previous night.

[Sir Percy]

What? Not even a little one?

The situation is serious if even you can't raise a smile, Rosemarie. We need to get the Teresa laughing eyes working again.

I think its time for a topic load of jokes.

[contrarymary]

I was only teasing you. Yes, it did make me laugh.

Love you, SP.

[LSBeene]

By chance was this cashier blonde?  I mean, I am blond (and display those characteristics sometimes - but SHEESH) but I gotta ask.

Steven

[woof]

Try joining the Mafia

This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting anywhere, and seeing all these guys in the Mafia in their fine three piece suits and fancy cars, decides that he has to join the Mafia.

He goes up to one of the guys and says, " I want to join the Mafia."

The guy answers, " You ever kill any one for money?"

Artie answers, "No."

The guy says, " Well, you either got to be born into the mafia, or you gotta kill somebody for money."

So Artie says, " How much will you pay me?"

The guy says, " I'm not gonna pay you."

Artie says, " C'mon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in."

The guy says, " Okay, I'll tell you what. You kill somebody, tell me about it, and if I see it in the morning paper, I'll pay you a dollar."

Artie says, " Oh thank you, thank you!" and heads off on his mission. He goes to Ralphs Supermarket, sees an old lady pushing a cart, and decides that she's lived a full life, goes up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes her to death.

The bag boy sees him, and chases after him. Artie realizes that he can't out run the bag boy, turns around, grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him to death.

In the morning paper the headlines read, " ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPHS!"

[contrarymary]

By chance was this cashier blonde?  I mean, I am blond (and display those characteristics sometimes - but SHEESH) but I gotta ask.

Steven

You know, I never thought of that, but yes, she is.  She's actually stunning.  Just beautiful.  And sweet.  Just not all that bright.

It's okay not to be a Rhodes Scholar.  I'm more troubled by the kids who think they know it all and have a terrible attitude, rather than the ones who are a bit more slow but are respectful and kind.

[Quentin0352]

OK, this one is dirty but the best joke I have heard in years.


Seven Dwarfs Meet the Pope

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment, and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor - tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:




Dopey shagged a penguin!"
Dopey shagged a penguin!"
Dopey shagged a penguin!"

[The Gonzman]

A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new car advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a suit, tie, and Ray Ban sunglasses, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a government agent." says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business.

Now give me back my dog."

[Sir Percy]

Rabbi Bernstein, Father McGinty and Billy Bob  the TV  Preacher were chatting at an ecumenical conference. At some point a bet was made as to who was the best converter of lost souls and, just how this happened is best overlooked along with all the bragging, but it was agreed they would all go to the forest and try to convert a bear. Hey look, they had had a few bevvies, OK.

A week later they were alongside each other in hospital. Billy Bob looked at a grinning  Fr McGinty in his bandaged arms and head and asked what happened.

"Well, I started out fine. I found a bear and opened the good book and started a sermon. I thought he was responding to my call for him to come forward to the empty logs in the front but he kept coming and attacked me. He swiped me on the arm. I backed away and quoted from the sermon on the mount about the meek and he swiped me around the head. As his great mouth opened to roar and I looked at his huge teeth, and though BeJesus oim going to die a martyr's death. I grabbed my bottle of holy water and threw it at him and Lord a Mercy he stopped and became calm. Would you believe, he knelt down. He listened to the Word. The Bishop is coming down next week to give him his first Communion.

How did you go. Looks pretty nasty"

Billy Bob, his whole chest bandaged, began. "That ol' bar was a waitin' for me. BROTHER, I said I'm here to bring SALVATION, oh yeah. I am here to bring you God's RICHES. I'm here to bring YOU the opportunity for HEAVEN right here on earth. Well that ol' bar hugged me. Boy did he hug. I wrastled him up the hill, I wrestled him down the hill. I wrestled him right into the river. And right there I dunked him and the POWER of the LORD descended on him. After that it was easy. I got him to sign over a five year tithe on his annual salmon harvest."

They both turned to Rabbi Bersntein, flat on his back covered head to toe in plaster. They could make him out, just, between all the traction wires.

"Oy vey" he said, "looking back, perhaps it wasn't the best plan to start with a circumcision"

[the sad geek]

A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor.

He thinks to himself "I know I lead a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this." Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.

Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?

Guy: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.

Counselor: Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much a you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?

Guy: Well in my younger days I experimented a little.

Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?

Guy: Yes, I love to gamble.

Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night -- black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?

Guy: Uhh...no.

Counselor: Oh , you're gonna hate Fridays...

[realman]

"You know, I never thought of that, but yes, she is. She's actually stunning. Just beautiful. And sweet. Just not all that bright"

I think it's been discussed here before that if a girl is attarctive, that's about all she needs to get through life... :?

[contrarymary]

"You know, I never thought of that, but yes, she is. She's actually stunning. Just beautiful. And sweet. Just not all that bright"

I think it's been discussed here before that if a girl is attarctive, that's about all she needs to get through life... :?

I don't see this girl as being able to take care of herself.  SOMEONE needs to help this girl.

I met her father, and I could see in his eyes how protective he was of her.  I can understand why.  

I was just promoted; I now have my own store.  I am considering requesting a transfer for her  and working with her.  She does have potential - I just think she's never thought for herself.